Everyday Yogini

My mother-in-law is not my favorite person.

When I think about being in her presence, it makes me physically ill.

She was a horrible mother.

She is really needy.

She is like a child – demanding and dramatic when she doesn’t get her way.

I hate to think of my daughter going anywhere near her.

It’s awful, really.

And, when my husband brings up the fact that it’s time to visit, I feel such resistance that it makes my stomach hurt and tears sting my eyes.

In fact, my jaw sets – tight – and I am no longer present with my daughter.  I become a horrible mother, a difficult wife.  I can barely breath -because I need for things to be my way – meaning, everyone agrees with me and we don’t go.  I become dramatic and demanding, “Clara’s life will be ruined if we let your Mother near her!”

The bell rings, in the form of my mother-in-law.

Just like the meditation bell, at the beginning of practice, asking us to wake up to the present moment. Can you hear it’s echo? Showing me where I am still asleep. I turn into her, in that moment.  I have no compassion. No tolerance. I am all judgement and need.  And I know, in an instant.

How painful it is to be her.

Because I am just like her. I know, because I make extreme efforts to escape being near it.  I want nothing to do with the parts of myself that are caught up in this kind of pain and suffering.  I want to escape in the worst kind of way.  I avoid it in myriad ways, denying it as part of my inner experience.

The bell echoes.

A tiny crack of compassion opens up in my heart.  For myself, for my mother-in-law.  We are all human.  My mother-in-law has, as my daughter, would say, “Mistaked” many times in her life.  So have I.  I’ve had the ability to change my circumstances and make amends where perhaps she has not.

My heart melts open.

We will go see her, and I smile when I think about how joy-filled she will be to see Clara and her son.  I cry a bit more, in gratitude – something important has shifted for me.  An internal opening that will echo and ripple through many parts of my life.

In gratitude for the times I hear the bell ring…

Namasté, yoginis. 

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