A lesson from one of my favorite Teachers
While I was in the hospital, I listened to one of my many audiobooks by Pema Chodron. What I like most about her is that she seems so normal and human, and is just completely inspiring to listen to and read. The ultimate Everyday Yogini, or Everyday Tibetan Buddhist, in this case.
The book I happened to be listening to was True Happiness. In fact, I think I’ve listened to this, oh, six or seven times over the last 3 or 4 months. It is so thought provoking and delightful to listen to. She is funny and gentle and wise. I highly recommend it. Or really, any of her books. She is amazing.
Truth be told, I was really worried before the procedure. Even hearing that it’s no big deal, yadda, yadda- they were putting me under and sticking god-knows-what down my throat to look in my biliary tract. That seems so foreign to me. I had such a feeling of not being in control, and, apparently, since I’ve set the intention to let go of my controlling ways this year, apparently the universe, or God, or whoever, is listening and sending lessons my way. Really, in my initial intention, I was just thinking in terms of controlling people (like my daughter and husband), but it seems the powers that be think I can give up some other forms of control, too.
Back to Pema. One thing she touches on in True Happiness is our habits and letting go of them. She mentions that she is a worrier, that is one of her big habits. And how when we indulge in our habits, we make them stronger, but when we can stop ourselves, we weaken them. Makes sense, yes? She also mentions her desire to want to be further away from her habitual responses next year- taking the long view. That really struck me. One day of worry might not seem like a big deal, but it all adds up. Next year, what do I want my inner landscape to look like? Do I want to be biting my lip and furrowing my brow even more than I do now?
For me, worry is linked to control. Somewhere along the line, I made a false connection. There is a deep-seated belief inside me that if I worry all the angles of a situation or possible outcome, then the bad thing I’m afraid of won’t happen. So, for me, worry is a form of trying to control the outcome. It also takes me completely outside of the present moment, which is where everything is happening. Isn’t that totally insane?? Insane or not, it’s true. I realized before the procedure, as I was worrying about all the possible things that could happen or go wrong or could be wrong that my hope is that by worrying about it, none of the bad stuff will come to fruition.
I’m ready to let go of that. It’s crippling, because there are an infinite number of things to worry about these days. So, I bow to Pema for being a fellow worrier and sharing her experience and wisdom in a way that I can understand, and I bow to the universe for supporting me in my intention to let go of control and live in the moment. Who would have thought openhearted clarity (my intention words for the year) would be so potent and life-changing?
January 11th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Ah Nona. Such a gift for words. You are truly an inspiration to me.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Hello! I found you via comment you left on No Impact Man. What a neat ‘coincidence’ - I am reading a lot of Pema Chodron’s work right now, currently delving into her book “The Places that Scare You.” She is indeed inspirational and down-to-earth at the same time, a paradox that isn’t really a paradox at all. I’m glad to have found your blog!
January 11th, 2008 at 10:38 am
This really resonated with me as well. I’m not a worried when it comes to most things, but when it comes to my children, I do worry and you’re right, it is completely control-related. I will have to look at the Pema Chodron book.
Also, I just added you to my blogroll — not having you there was such a huge oversight! I’m way behind on my linking!
January 11th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Gretchen- you are too sweet to me…
Theresa- Pema is the best! I have never encountered a Pema talk or book that I didn’t absolutely love!
Yogamum- thanks for adding me to your blogroll. My worry-quotient went up about a million-fold when I had Clara. And it’s all about control. Just think what a relief it will be to put that burden down. That’s what I think about, anyway.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:25 am
Hi Nona, great post, first I want to comment on how easy your writing is to read, sounds strange but there are so many bloggers out there that don’t know the virtue of a comma. Myself included.
Second, you are right, Pema is amazing and so much more human feeling than most humans. She is an inspiration as is your blog.
Gassho,
Kris
January 11th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I too am a major worrier (sometimes I think we came from the same mold Nona) so this post proved very helpful to me. I’m also using the inspiration of your Gathas for my Poetry Friday today!
January 11th, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Interesting how these ’synchronicites’ (’reading’ the book in the hospital) come along just when you need them, isn’t it?
January 11th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Nona, thanks for the info about Pema Chodron, I’ll have to pick up her books.
I visited a lovely Buddhist temple last weekend, and talked to one of the nuns there about attachment. We can be attached to the things that we really don’t want in our lives… by holding these things in our thoughts, worrying about them, chewing on their edges — we can’t let them go. But… when we can detach from them, releasing the emotion that holds them to us, it is easier to let them go. It starts with intention. And breath. Pausing. Living in the moment. All the things we know, but that are so hard to remember!
January 11th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Ahh. I just had a light bulb go off in my head, your correlation of worry to control. That is me. And one year from now, I don’t want things to be as they are today. Some of my best times are the ones where I am completely in the moment, it’s when I’m my lightest, happiest and most fun. But getting there regularly seems like a lot of work. Thanks for this post. It’s such a gentle reminder for me that I really, really have to start letting go of the little things. They are the things that I worry about until I am crippled. Ugh.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
First of all, I’m so glad to hear that you are doing well. I kept checking your site, hoping for an update. You see I like to worry….
I, too, suffer from a need to control everything (or at least attempt to control everything). It, of course, is an exhausting, futile effort. Thank you for your inspiring words.
And I have come up with my two word intention for the year… noncritical calmness (in the hopes of being less critical and bringing more calmness into my present life).
January 12th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I was fortunate to hear Pema speak years ago. Life changing…
I once heard worrying is praying for what you don’t want. That was the moment I began study of trust instead of worry…it is a truly worthy pursuit.
January 13th, 2008 at 2:08 am
It sounds like I need to buy some Pema. I bought one of her books a couple of years ago but wasn’t ready for it so gave it away. Thanks for the reminder!