Everyday Parenting: Mindfulness
After reading your responses yesterday, I got to thinking about mindfulness with children. Well, my child in particular. I read Kelcey’s comment and thought, “Yes, that is what I am going to focus on as the holiday craziness starts…” But here is what happened in my MIND.
To be honest, playing with Clara is not one of my favorite things. I’m easily bored by drawing scribbles, chasing her, or even reading her books. So, when I think about bringing mindfulness to my time with Clara, my mind always goes to the ways in which I think I fail her. It’s as if I’m using the practice to highlight the weakness of my parenting. What I “should” be doing… (gritted teeth) “I’m going to sit down and be 100% in the moment while doing this thing that drives me nuts!”
Isn’t that terrible? Do you do this??
What if I didn’t do that? What if were to focus on and expand the time that I spend with Clara that is pure joy for both of us instead of trying to make tracing her hand for the 10 billionth time a mindful practice? Not that I stop doing the things I don’t like, but, when I’m “practicing” and being 100% in the moment, why not choose something that is really enjoyable, that I feel really good about? Won’t that, at the end of the day, be better for Clara, too?
This got me to thinking about what things I do well with Clara. The moments when I know we are grooving together and we are both having an excellent time. And as I reflect on it, we have lots of those moments. More than I would have imagined, much to my relief. For instance, when I walk Clara to school, it’s always at her pace. We stop and look at things, I let her jump in puddles, we talk about what’s happening on the street… it’s a really, really precious time for both of us. She has also started helping me wash the dishes after dinner which I really enjoy sharing with her- she gets to splash around, “help” Mommy, and I get to finish a task without having to tell her I’ll play with her later. I enjoy singing songs and dancing with her, and naturally, I love to practice Yoga with her. She is the best at making up cool new poses and I name them…
So, really, what I’m getting at here is a word of caution. When engaging in any practice, take the “should” out of the equation. Don’t use the practice to prove to yourself (if you are like me) what a lost cause you are. Use your practice to expand on the best of youself. To be present to the ways that you suprise and delight yourself and the people around you. Because really, don’t we all spend enough time focused on our faults?
Practice on….
December 6th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
Hallelujah sista! You have just freed me. Thank you so much for this post. I love reading books to my children, taking them on little adventures (the statue of liberty, the bookstore, out to lunch), doing arts and crafts projects, etc. My husband is so much better at just sitting on the rug and playing. I get bored. And for the first time today, I don’t feel so guilty about it. So thank you. What a wonderful post.
December 6th, 2007 at 7:10 pm
Good post, Nona! I have been working on doing things that I enjoy with the kids… games, crafts, nature walks, etc. It is so much easier to enjoy the moment when I enjoy the activity.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:09 pm
I’m also much better at the “out and about” then the inside stuff. It’s hard for me to sit at her little table and trace her hand for her over and over and over… what IS it with kids and the hand outline?
I love playing outside with her, walking to the park, stopping to meet the dogs along the way, smell the flowers, pocket the little acorns. That’s when I am full of infinite patience. And I often have tremendous guilt about this. I’d love to love playing on the floor with her blocks for hours on end but all I can do is half-heartedly stack whiling making mental notes of all the things I could/should be doing instead. So unfair to my little Pea.
But you are right, at the end of the day when I look back at what we’ve done, I can’t help but feel proud when I focus on what we did well together. The park in the early morning. Taking our dog out for a little walk in the yard and collecting some pretty leaves for a future art project… Maybe if I remember the fun we had collecting those leaves, the project won’t be so stressful for me!
December 6th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
We all have our strengths when it comes with interacting with children. I am much better with the 2.5-4 age than younger babies. I love babies but to be honest, I’m glad when they start having conversations and interact more.
December 7th, 2007 at 1:07 am
Melissa, Pea and Coco will have such good feelings about it because you were really there. I notice that Clara seems to know when I’m not really into whatever we are doing… those smart little munchkins!
Penny, I totally agree that we all have our strengths! I think it’s easy to use a spiritual practice to focus on what we don’t like about ourselves. My sincerest wish is that we are as kind to ourselves and possible when on the path.
Kelcey, that is EXACTLY why I wrote this post! I don’t want anyone doing something out of “should”!! Not only that, but don’t we all want our children to play to their strengths? How can they learn that if we don’t do the same for ourselves?
Kristen, I’m so glad you are focusing on what you love to do with the kids! Enjoy the activity, enjoy the moments… that is a good mantra!
December 8th, 2007 at 9:43 am
This post made me feel so much better about everything with regard to playing with the kids. Sometimes it is downright painful and I have felt so guilty for that in the past. I need to focus more on balancing the things Josh loves with the things we BOTH love…and enjoy all the moments.