Everyday Yogini

According to my Mother, I did not want to come out of the womb. She was in labor with me for three days. Three days, Yoginis. Unheard of these days, for sure. Of course, in the end, the task was completed. I was born, but I emerged (again, according to my Mother) screaming. No need for a slap on the butt (is that even done anymore?) I was pissed off to have my warm cocoon taken away.

Fast forward to college, which is the first time I really have a recollection of feeling like there might be a pattern at work here… it took me a really. really. really. long time to finish college. In the end, one semester left, I almost took a full-time job and blew it all off. Again, in the end, with much nail biting and uncertainty whether there would actually be a diploma in the leather case when I “walked” the ceremony (let’s just say I had a rough go of it at the end), I graduated.

Not too many years after that, I went back to school to get some additional coursework in accounting so I could become a CPA. I finished the coursework while working full-time, which almost did me in, but then? Well, we all know about my unbelievable dragging of feet with putting the CPA exam behind me, don’t we (for those who don’t, it took me eight very long years)? Again, mission accomplished, but on a timetable that might be unimaginable to anyone else.

Before the CPA exam? There was Clara’s birth at home. Again, labor progressed nicely and then pushing? FIVE HOURS. Yes, I said FIVE. Obviously, I eventually pushed the little sweetie pie out, but boy, it was a long haul there at the end…

Anyone else noticing a little bit of a pattern here? These are just the things that stand out, I’m certain there are many, many more small examples of this pattern at work in my life. In fact, I recently realized that this also holds true emotionally…

As I’ve mentioned, I’m finally feeling happy again. Happy, people. Out of that vague, underwater feeling I’ve had since we left Colorado. Sure, I had moments of content, even moments of happy, but I feel like I’m back to my old self. As I reflect over the last year, I am puzzled and mystified. What was the big deal? I made this all much harder for myself than necessary. Truly I did.

My friends and neighbors in Colorado can tell you, I was gung-ho about the transition to Rome- until the transition started. Then it hit me hard and my mind went to work. Not to downplay the grief- it was real. Not to downplay being sick- it too, is very real. But the suffering? The word that comes to mind here is resistance. And beyond that? Fear of the unknown. And maybe even beyond that? Cosmic stubbornness. And truthfully, I knew that so much of this was something so deeply ingrained, I would tell Erick that intellectually I knew I was making it harder, dragging out the suffering, but I seemed powerless to stop it.

Just as I couldn’t have pushed Clara out any sooner or passed the CPA exam or anything. It just had a course to run. But is that really true? I don’t have a pithy, wise answer to this question. Our family will certainly live through more transitions. Ironically enough, I think I will be heartbroken (again) when we leave here, which is why I am so curious about this pattern that weaves together the different chapters of my life.

How we face our patterns defines us and makes us the person we are. I believe that, I really do. But can we get past them? Is it possible? Can we make friends with these seemingly karmic lessons and learn what we need to learn and move on?

I’ll let you know if I find out. You do the same for me, okay?

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 8th, 2008 at 7:34 am and is filed under Intention, Mindfulness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.