Everyday Parenting: Sometimes I have moments of clarity: Post One of Three
“Our children, from infancy to adulthood and beyond, can be seen as perpetually challenging live-in teachers, who provide us with ceaseless opportunities to do the inner work of understanding who we are and who they are.” Jon Kabat Zinn
I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to call children teachers. I can say, without a doubt, that having Clara has definitely schooled me, illuminating the myriad ways that I am internally broken, and how many dark, cobweb-y habits and beliefs I have to work on. Since being a parent puts all these not-so-great things about me under a spotlight for my personal enjoyment (and work), I often have moments that remind me of the V8 commercials of my childhood, with the forehead slapping “Aha” moment. In this series I will share three recent incidents that highlight a very common way in which I learn and change and become better version of myself: being fully present in the moment (which, will be obvious from my story, is NOT often enough!)
The Art Box
About a year ago, I decided to put together a special “art box” for Clara. In this box was safety scissors, crayons, a small pad of paper and some star stickers. Just an assortment of things that she could pull out and play with, unsupervised. Things that all children love, and things I remember really liking as a child.
I noticed about a month ago (a year after the fact) that she never, ever used her box. We were in the kitchen, where she was gleefully helping me make dinner by dumping water from one container to the other. I was thinking about the things IN the art box, when I realized that Clara had never really used crayons - not even as a smaller child. So, I turn to Clara and I ask, “Clara? Do you like drawing with crayons?”
In my adult-ness, I think this is an easy question and one she will be happy to answer, but she looks at me with panic-stricken eyes. I say in response to this face, “Sweetie, I want you to LOVE all the things in your artbox - it’s YOURS and should have in it all the things you want to do art with!” She looked at me for a long moment and after that pregnant pause, it dawns on me fully. I asked her, point blank, “Clara, you don’t like crayons, do you?” She looked at me with immense relief and said, “No, Mommy. I DO NOT like crayons. I like colored pens best!”
I’m fairly certain that you are not sensing that you could have knocked me over with a feather in that moment- WHY didn’t she just tell me? WHAT did she possibly think would have happened? And then, I looked at my own lack of awareness. I was shocked that I had waited so long to ask such a simple question about my daughter’s preferences!
We spent that afternoon putting all the crayons away for guests and filling her artbox with things *she* really loves: stamps, craft scissors, glue, and, of course, colored pens. LOTS of colored pens. Every single one in the house, in fact.
Need I say that I felt like a complete JERK MOM for NOT recognizing this sooner? Although she is very verbal and engaging, relying on her to express her likes and dislikes in that way is asking too much. She is, after all, only four. As the saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words.” And this is equally as true for children, who are, really, just smaller people. What a shock to really “get” that my daughter is not an extension of myself and my husband (surprise!!). I loved crayons as a child, my husband was a colored pencil kind of kid (I found out after I asked). This was a powerful reminder that paying attention and being curious about who she is in this moment is paramount to her well-being and happiness, and my success as a parent. My assumptions about who she is are not accurate. Obviously.
My intention going forward is to ask Clara before I decide (through the lens of my own preferences and experiences) what is good for her, knowing that experiencing compassionate awareness, honesty, and presence from me will shape her ability to honor her internal compass as she gets older. I am giving up my assumption that I “know” her and what she likes simply because I’ve known her since she was born. And really, this applies to anyone and everyone in our lives. The ability to effect change and connect with others happens entirely in this moment, what I like to think of as the creative present.
What have you learned about yourself from your children? Tell me in a comment!
Next up in the series: Tangles, Brushes, and Combs, Oh My!
April 26th, 2009 at 7:39 pm
I loved this! It is hard sometimes to imagine these little beings as completely different individuals with their own opinions, tastes, likes and dislikes.
I learn something every day from my three year old. Her incredible honesty, sharpness and wit amaze me every day. At the blink of an eye she will notice the tiniest detail or change in routine.
The most important thing she has taught me is probably to see people for who they are. Little kids seem to look at a person for who they are regardless of age, sex, gender, nationality etc. They really “see” no strings attach.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:09 am
Nadia, they are sharp as tacks, aren’t they?? I agree, their lack of social conditioning gives them an ability to see people with a clear eye - we can all learn so much from that!! Thank you for sharing a little bit of your daughter with me in the comments!
April 27th, 2009 at 5:43 am
Looking a positive comment to bring a smile to my morning, I turned to your site. Voila!! It was great realizing how often these little ones shake us out of our preset thoughts pushing us to reevaluate so many of the things we do and when.
This weekend I learned timing! I have to say Irma loves painting, drawing with all sorts of safe media I find for her and I’m an artist, so I love to paint myself.
In my excitement to do a paint project with Irma, I prepared canvas, pencil and paint for our mini session. I was so into painting because I see she loves it. It was going to be so fabulous!
So we both sat down to do our project and she took the pencil to sketch but not happy with the results she left.
Needless to say it killed my moment. It made me realize that no matter how much you may love doing something sometimes it is not the right time.
April 27th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Crayons are a lot more fun when you peel them and break some of them…Use them by pulling the flat edge over the paper…Then putting another over it to get a blended look….You and put down the lighter color….then put blue over it lightly…and then you get green…You can make skinny lines…fat lines and patterns….We take too much time having kids fill in little spaces perfectly with crayons….Did I tell you I’m not in love with coloring books???? Brown bags, butcher paper…Papers with different textures….are all lots of fun to experiment with. Have fun…
April 27th, 2009 at 8:55 am
You could have some broke crayons that are peeled so you can use them that way…and some with points….Some kids go crazy if they are broken….and some teachers….So ask permission first and maybe put them in a baggie or a different little box.
April 28th, 2009 at 7:46 am
I love that crayon story! Something similar happened to me with my son. I bought him the super deluxe crayola crayon set (the one I wished I had when I was a little girl!) I was so excited about all the colors and sharp tips, and all that stuff… only to learn he does NOT like to color. He likes to draw… in pencil. So, instead, we started melting the crayons into a giant candle art table. That, apparently, is a much better use for his crayons.
April 28th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Lillian - I have had that SAME experience. I am ready to share an experience or an activity with Clara, but, she is just not into it in the moment. I always try and remember to ASK Clara what she wants to do-giving her two choices (that I want to do as well!!)
Thanks for sharing your experiences!
Jade - maybe when Clara gets older she will enjoy crayons and blending. She DOES enjoy breaking them and, we melted a bunch of them to make “new” crayons in multi-colored heart shapes, but, she just doesn’t like them for coloring right now.
Lisis, our children seem to have the same level of interest in crayons! LOL! I am off to read your candle art table story - now THAT sounds like something Clara would enjoy!
April 30th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Just wanted to leave you a note that I’m passing on a blog award to you. See more here: http://gracefulyoga.blogspot.com/
May 4th, 2009 at 11:33 am
This is exactly why I take my daughter Dylan shopping for her own clothes. She knows what she likes and it’s useless to try to make the decisions for her!
May 20th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
My child has taught me that I was taught it is not okay to cry or express my feelings in a loud way.
If you had ever asked me this point blank, I would have told you that I had a healthy relationship and ability to cry/express myself. The last few years have opened my eyes to the real “dark and cobweb-y beliefs” I didn’t know were there.
It’s been painful — very painful at times — but then there is a leap forward and some relief, and joy. One small, cobweb-free space at a time.
It’s nice to see your posts — your language and presentation is so clear and wonderful. I love how you’ve framed these aha moments. Very powerful!
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:07 am
[…] is completely different from Art Boxes and Brushes. Those types of situations are discrete and fixable in one sweet moment of clarity, […]