Healing with Yoga
How I wish I were going to say to you all, “I’m healed! Pain free, and I’m here to tell you my amazing secrets of healing…” Nope. Not this post. But, I haven’t posted for a while about my ongoing saga with daily pain, so I thought today would be a good day.
To be quite honest, I don’t really like to dwell on it. It just is what it is, but, I feel compelled to write about it when I have big leaps in my understanding of why I’m on this path. And over the last few weeks, this is just what has happened.
It started with me being a bit malcontent with my weight. I haven’t gone above what, for me, has been an ideal weight for years. 135, to be precise. This was my weight in high school and it is the weight I strove for, post-Clara. However, last year, when I was feeling quite a bit worse than I do now, I lost an additional ten pounds. Slowly, I gained it back over the last six to seven months, post-procedure. Which is a good thing, right? To feel like eating normally?? Yes, this IS a good thing, unless you are an emotional eater (like me) who also likes to eat VOLUME. I like to eat LOTS of food. And when I was running 35 miles a week, it didn’t matter, but now? My body isn’t so hip on pounding pavement for 35 miles a week, so I needed to find another way. And I knew it was not going to involve a diet. I have come to a point in my life where dieting just isn’t appealing. I would rather fix the cause, not the effect.
You might ask, “Well, if you are at your supposed goal weight, then what’s the problem??” There isn’t a problem, per se, but I knew that there was going to be a problem if I kept going with the current eating extravaganza!
So, seriously, I don’t even know what led me to look on Martha Beck’s website. (You know, Oprah’s favorite life coach?) I have a deep love, hate relationship with Oprah, and typically avoid her experts. But, for whatever reason, I’m looking around and I find this telecourse that I can just download and I compulsively purchase it.
This was $45.00 well spent for me, Yoginis.
This amazing coach, Brooke Castillo just SPEAKS to me. I’ve heard it a million times, “Eat when you are hungry, stop when you are satisfied”. I’ve even had periods of time where I did this- normally in conjunction with a diet or, most recently, this illness. This woman is a certified Martha Beck coach, but she also draws on Pema Chodron (one of my favorites) and then, another name that I typically avoid, Byron Katie of “The Work”fame. But, dammit all, after listening to the tele-course and just feeling like I had been given some very good news, I went to check out Byron Katie’s website and dusted off my copy of Loving What Is, which I bought about 10 years ago and it didn’t really do much for me at that time. Well, this time? It really made a lot of sense.
Maybe doing Yoga for so long, maybe having a mystery, ongoing, low-level illness has opened my mind enough to slow down and be willing to watch my thoughts. And it is fascinating stuff. In any case, I am starting to work with this, too, and feeling cleaner, emotionally, than I have in a long time. But actually, I’m veering off course here. Well, a little.
So, things are clicking together: the Brooke Castillo tele-course solidifies, and gives some form to, eating with awareness and mindfulness. I love it. It feels good, it feels right and it feels, most importantly, very healing. Because, when I’m only eating when I’m hungry, and stopping when satisfied, I am naturally eating 5-6 smaller meals a day, which is easier on the ol’ digestion. And, doing Byron Katie’s method is helping me to process the thoughts that fuel my desire to eat an entire plate of brownies if they are within the walls of my home. And I KNOW that if I’m eating in the fashion that Brooke talks about? My body is going to land wherever I should be, which may be 135 or some other weight. My body gets to decide- not my brain.
So, here I am, feeling great about the food I’m putting in my body and feeling emotionally clean and then, I start wondering, “Do I really need to be on Prilosec (daily) in perpetuity?” I recently read an article about how these types of drugs aren’t the greatest thing for our health long-term, and I’ve always known I wanted to get off of them, soooo, let’s try! It’s easy to go back on if need be. My suspicion is that eating smaller meals, focusing on fueling my body, will keep the need for Prilosec at bay, combined with the other stuff I’ve been incorporating into my healing, self-care program.
Speaking of self-care. I am still practicing Yoga, to some degree or another, every day - of course. However, it has changed slightly. Remember when I mentioned that I have been teaching myself Qi Gong? Well, the 100 day course ended up being way too time-intensive for this householder, and I ended up buying Qi Gong for Cleaning, a quick routine that is 10 minutes once you learn it. Every morning, I practice my 10 minute routine, and it feels wonderful. The ideas that I took away from the longer QiGong course that I incorporate into my Yoga practice are: visualizing the health of the organs and also the energy moving through the body, synchronizing the breath with movement, and visualizing during movement- which I use not only during Yoga, but when I’m walking and jogging. None of this is new to me, but my Yoga has slowed considerably and I focus a lot more on deep, abdominal breathing as I move through the postures. I will be talking more about this in later posts…
In all earnestness, I can say that without this ongoing saga of physical pain, I would have missed out. I have had so many amazing opportunities to challenge my idea of who I am, what I believe, and what I am capable of because of this illness. I am learning that I am not my pain, or my thoughts, or even my body- revolutionary! Not only that, but I’m learning how to take care of this body that supports me tirelessly, shedding the dysfunctional ways that I’ve used in the past to disappear.
The only way I can possibly sum up what I have learned to date, is that every irritation, every challenge, every single thing that we think we cannot possibly deal with for one more second- is a precious gift from life, waiting to be opened, waiting to open us to who we are meant to be, taking us down the roads we are really, honestly meant to be on. Perhaps some people are born into this state of grace, but at least for me, without my heartaches, illnesses, and challenges, I would just plod along through life, dumb and (un)happy. In time, I hope to be smart enough to not need the Universe’s “pain” calling card to become more of who I am.
A Yogini can dream, can’t she??
August 28th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Thank you for this thoughtful post. I’m an emotional eater, too. In fact…just finished off a pack of generic oreo’s that I opened yesterday (gross!). It’s been 21 months since I’ve run, done yoga, completed a thought or slept for more than 4 straight hours. My spirited toddler becomes more demanding (it seems) by the hour. I’m definitely at the “cannot possibly deal with for one more second” stage. I look forward to meditating on your thoughts over the coming days.
August 30th, 2008 at 3:31 am
She most certainly can! (dream that is). Nona, what an excellent post! I had no idea dear that you suffered from chronic pain. I’ve had my share of that in the back and hand section over the last 5 years. It seems that after I had my son, the health reprieve I’d gotten expired. I can imagine that you of all people would do everything in your power to go the self-healing route. Me? I just tend to pop whatever pill falls into my hands and that is a practice that after reading this post, I will think twice about. You are nothing if not inspiring in your quest for health and an organic, natural style of living. It’s one of the reasons I stayed a reader of your blog in the beginning until of course, your natural charm, kindness and just plain “nona-ness” hooked me. That would have been about the 2nd post I think.
Anyway, all this to say that I’m so glad you are trying out alternative ways to help yourself and that I want to hear EVERYTHING about it. Onwards and forward dear. That is most indubitably you. Did I say I loved the post already?
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Wow - I’ve just found your blog and all I can say is thank you for being so honest in this post. I think so many people have a huge amount of pain - sometimes physical, sometimes mental. Talking (or writing) about it can be so critical - to be heard by yourself and others validates you so that you can move on.
And I think the moving on is what you’re writing about. Moving, literally - through yoga and other physical roots. Moving on mentally by having a coach or therapist or healer good friend give you feedback and ideas.
And finally, the patience that you speak of - things take time. I think about this in yoga practice A LOT. People want to rush through a posture, just like rushing through life, but there’s no substitute for time and for simply staying the course.
Please keep writing, and I’ll keep reading! Thank you!