Cultivation
I love the word cultivate. Maybe because as a little girl, we would cultivate our garden every year: till the soil, sew the seeds, water the rows… as those of you who grow gardens know, you do the work you need to do and hope and pray that circumstance is on your side.
Just last week I joined an online Buddhist study group, Open Circle through Wildmind, one of my very favorite online (very practical, down-to-earth) Buddhist resources. The Open Circle group is studying the book,
Buddhism: Tools for Living Your Life
, which so far, is a fantastic book. I’m having to hold myself back from “reading ahead” of the assigned reading!
One of the first things that struck me about the book (besides the cover- which really appeals to me) was the use of the word cultivation. Cultivating the qualities that you wish for yourself, cultivating the life that you want to have- which includes responding skillfully to circumstances beyond your control.
I need this so badly. I want this so much.
To be frank, I have a love/hate relationship with Rome. I am having a difficult time reconciling myself with the things I dislike and, due to my terrible language skills, there is very little chance that I will ever feel “integrated” into the culture here. I often feel isolated, and I am frustrated with my dependence on my husband’s fluent Italian. I am acutely aware of my ongoing grief related to leaving “home” in Colorado: my friends, Clara’s friends, our home, our community. Intellectually I “get” that this is such an amazing opportunity, but my heart hasn’t gotten the memo. My heart wants to go home and get a double tall Americano in a to-go cup to carry around with me all morning while I chat with friends and Clara plays on the playground with her little friends.
Don’t get me wrong. On weekends, when we are busy exploring the city or we go out of the city (even better), I love being here. No country does countryside and small villages like Italy. I love being able to walk everywhere, the food is to die for. I love the density of people and the energy of the city. I adore living a block off of Villa Ada, one of Rome’s largest green spaces. I like entertaining people, I like getting to experience the intersection of different cultures through my husband’s position. There is a very interesting community of American folks here, so I can make friends. I love our gorgeous apartment with the tall, sunny windows. I see the good things, I do, I really, really do.
This is the thing. Erick’s job will, at least for the near-term, mean living a transient life. This means that circumstance dictates where we will live. We really have little control over this. The only thing I have control over is my response. The mind that I cultivate in reaction to this ever-changing landscape of homes, schools, jobs and cultures. It seems like precious little to be in charge of, but then again, it seems like everything. Cultivating my own heart and mind to be filled with openness and wonder, energy and curiosity, love and kindness- a heart big enough to love many different places and people and a mind spacious enough to accept impermanence. An ability to appreciate what is here right now, instead of clinging desperately to a place in the past that feels more like home that the present moment.
Because the irony is, when we finally go back to Colorado, I will miss things about Rome and all the other places that we will have lived. And Colorado will not be the same place, nor will we be the same people. It will be just like showing up in a new place all over, except some of the faces might be familiar. At least I hope so.
As Spring arrives in your corner of the world, it’s a natural time to think about cultivation. What habits are you strengthening through your actions and thoughts? Are you moving in the direction that you wish to be moving in? The beauty of thinking in terms of cultivation is that it implies that we can all change if we do the work. We can water the seeds, pull the weeds, and nuture the seedlings. This is a great gift- the gift of choice. I am honored to have choices. May we all cultivate our lives wisely…
If you are interested in Open Circle, registration is ongoing. As the group grows, it will split into multiple groups. The facilitator is a fellow Mom-Blogger, Shrijnana. She asks really terrific questions and is very engaged with the group. I feel so fortunate to have found this group at this time in my life.
April 14th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Omigod! And I am freaked out about one move? Heaven help me if I ever end up in your situation…
That said, I think the grief is normal, and ok. It’s the getting stuck in it that could cause problems. Now, if I could just detach from my giref. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on that.
xxx
April 14th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Nadine, we left Colorado over a year ago and it still smarts. I don’t know how to let go of the grief!! If you figure it out, PLEASE tell me… and if I figure it out?? Well, I will certainly let you know.
I fully feel your pain with your move. I wish you a smooth transition…
April 14th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Nona! We will be here probably and I will be mostly the same except for the gray hair!
Isn’t it funny how the grass is always greener? Most days I am so jealous of your transient life but I am sure I would have a hard time with it. I am just so glad you share your experiences with us here.
Cultivation is such a great word too. I love how it rolls around in your mouth. I have been cultivating my garden the last few days. I am planting my leafy greens and Calendula today.
I almost forgot to tell you! I have been spending some time with a new couple of ladies lately and one of them is good friends with the owners of the BeeHive. So if you see them, Molly says “Hi!”
Love ya~
April 14th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
I love your words: “a mind spacious enough to accept impermanence” - this would be so so hard for me too. I live in the same town I grew up in after all! But part of me longs to change things up and learn and grow in a new culture as you are doing. Still, I have heard that culture shock is almost inevitable and most definitely torturous and my thoughts are with you! Life is forever changing and flowing and reading your wise words always helps me along my path…
April 14th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
It is tough to live in a new culture… culture shock is very real. I think language too is one of the hardest barriers to deal with. I think once you get more confident in Italian it will be easier for you.
People who emigrate often say that it means having your heart in 2 places at once…
April 14th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Nona, I know exactly where you are coming from with this love/hate relationship of the circumstances you find yourself in. As you say, the hate is composed of the longing for your old knowns. Those comfortable conditions you wore like an old shoe. The love is made out of realizing that you are indeed a lucky girl getting to experience that which many would give so much for. This last realization makes no difference at all really. You want what you want and if what you HAVE is not what you WANT then there is no messing with that truth.
I’m here writing to tell you that as an expat, you will always miss Colorado and your tall Americano. By the same token, you may learn to love a shot of limoncello and the different beauties of your changed geographic circumstances. It is very similar to the recognition that we love different people in different ways even though the common denominator is that we love. You have to open yourself up a little to loving Nona. Your Italian might never be great. Fine. Don’t bash yourself over it and ignore whatever idiot might come your way who makes you feel any the less because you take it out for a spin. What you do not manage is not a failure, what you attempt is a triumph even when you don’t succeed. Does this make any sense?
I can tell you do not like being uprooted and that is OK, as you say, it is part of a cycle which encompasses that word you now cling to with hope - cultivation. Something which I learned myself, as a child of diplomatic parents, is that more than a gardening analogy, what fits this life of yours better is the image of a ship at sea. You float along, sometimes adrift, sometimes dropping anchor where you wish to stop but always safe in your little boat. The boat of course is your family, your husband and child. The sea your travels, your anchors those places where you stop and the the being adrift is that sensation you will never lose that somehow you are disconnected from what you had before. Learning to live with it is perforce ruled by understanding what is happening to you. I think you are well on your way to whatever it is you need to cope with all the changes. Never fear that you will not get there because in a way, and without even knowing, you’ve already arrived.
April 14th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Nona - What a beautiful way you described the mixed blessing of living in a different culture! I can remember feeling the say way when I lived in Spain.
April 15th, 2008 at 8:44 am
I think you are a very brave and courageous person to move all over the country and then to a whole new country! Your husband is very blessed to have you as his wife. I have a hard time spending two weeks in a foreign land! You seem to always make the very best out of any situation and keep your positive attitude. Again, I have learned something from you. I wish you well in Rome.
May 6th, 2008 at 7:47 am
Milena wrote a beautiful comment.
I left the Pacific NW over 20 years ago and I still struggle with the question, “In your heart of hearts where would you like to live?”
I lived in Florence for nearly 10 years and there are things about it that remain a part of me (the Tuscan dialect, the loyal friends, the prosciutto), but it doesn’t have the pull of the PNW.
My one piece of advice, at this point in my life, might be, “Don’t get caught up in all that Bloom Where You’re Planted, I must be or act happy wherever I am, that many expats espouse. If you’re unhappy, if it ain’t workin’ for you, find a way to find your happiness, even if that means getting yourself back to Colorado.”
In bocca al lupo!
May 8th, 2008 at 8:16 am
I just subscribed to your feed, so was reading through all the posts that downloaded and ended up reading through this one again. Somehow, I had missed the whole Open Circle thing. Going to sign up! Thanks!
Oh, I also didn’t comment on the language issue. I get it. I’ve lived in Russian-speaking territory for 6 years but never settled down to study it, so continue to rely on husband for most communcation, including setting up appointments. I hate it. Hate it! It’s terrible to be so dependant.
October 21st, 2008 at 8:27 am
GF7sNQ axvnccrzzeyf, [url=http://nthqgrximshj.com/]nthqgrximshj[/url], [link=http://lxhkpirdglng.com/]lxhkpirdglng[/link], http://cxurhkjgzcbc.com/