Everyday Yogini

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” -Buddha

Over the weekend, we went to Naples to do a bit of shopping at the Naval base. It’s a long drive and we got a late start. I assumed (which is the operative word here) that Clara would sleep in the car on the way down, which would make the afternoon of shopping bearable. We also planned to take some time to let her play on a real, live American-style playground, which we knew she would love, love, love.

Enter reality.

Clara didn’t sleep a wink in the car, although she was exhausted from getting up early. By the time we got to Naples, she was already on the verge of hysteria, while we had a good two to three hours of shopping to do. We unwisely chose to do some shopping before taking her to the playground. All was fine until my well-intentioned husband parked her in the electronics section in front of a rated R movie that she was fascinated by… I promptly removed her.

Can you guess what happened?

Clara was crying and screaming. She started kicking me and hitting me while I was trying to get her out of the store… but FIRST I had to locate Erick to tell him where we would be. He didn’t hear us until I was tapping his shoulder, even though Clara was literally yelling that she wanted Daddy at the top of her lungs. (Is this really possible?)

I have not been so angry in, oh, well, I actually don’t even remember a time since I’ve been married that I have been so furious. Furious is the exact description. I felt volcanic…

Clara and I went outside to sit on a bench. She screamed for twenty minutes, until Erick emerged from the store and offered to take her to the playground. I, however, was left feeling enraged at BOTH of them. But the worst part was, I knew even while my mind was blaming them for my anger that it was all about my expectations, not about Clara and Erick.

This month’s focus for A Year of Compassion is anger, so it was sort of ironic that this happened. I didn’t yell or swear or hit, but I was, I think, vibrating with anger. I wanted to have a fun day shopping for the American items we needed. I thought Clara would sleep, which always leaves her more open to situations that might not be super fun for her, but she didn’t. I had an idea that Erick and I would trade off focusing on Clara (which I hadn’t vocalized) so we could get our shopping done efficiently. That didn’t happen until Erick took her to the playground (thank you Erick). I always have an expectation that Clara will be a well-behaved little girl in public, which is more about me not wanting to be embarassed, I’m ashamed to admit.

So, you see how wiley and smart the Universe is, supporting me in my intention for 2008? Even as I was breathing through my anger, my touchstone words bubbled up. I knew I was in the middle of a lesson about one of the roots of my unhappiness.

Control. My need for it, my lack of it. Slowly, I will keep learning how to let go of my expectations and respond with compassion and ease in whatever way is needed in the moment. Next time, I hope to learn how I might transform the moment by vibrating with love instead of anger.

While I was in the hospital, I listened to one of my many audiobooks by Pema Chodron. What I like most about her is that she seems so normal and human, and is just completely inspiring to listen to and read. The ultimate Everyday Yogini, or Everyday Tibetan Buddhist, in this case.

The book I happened to be listening to was True Happiness. In fact, I think I’ve listened to this, oh, six or seven times over the last 3 or 4 months. It is so thought provoking and delightful to listen to. She is funny and gentle and wise. I highly recommend it. Or really, any of her books. She is amazing.

Truth be told, I was really worried before the procedure. Even hearing that it’s no big deal, yadda, yadda- they were putting me under and sticking god-knows-what down my throat to look in my biliary tract. That seems so foreign to me. I had such a feeling of not being in control, and, apparently, since I’ve set the intention to let go of my controlling ways this year, apparently the universe, or God, or whoever, is listening and sending lessons my way. Really, in my initial intention, I was just thinking in terms of controlling people (like my daughter and husband), but it seems the powers that be think I can give up some other forms of control, too.

Back to Pema. One thing she touches on in True Happiness is our habits and letting go of them. She mentions that she is a worrier, that is one of her big habits. And how when we indulge in our habits, we make them stronger, but when we can stop ourselves, we weaken them. Makes sense, yes? She also mentions her desire to want to be further away from her habitual responses next year- taking the long view. That really struck me. One day of worry might not seem like a big deal, but it all adds up. Next year, what do I want my inner landscape to look like? Do I want to be biting my lip and furrowing my brow even more than I do now?

For me, worry is linked to control. Somewhere along the line, I made a false connection. There is a deep-seated belief inside me that if I worry all the angles of a situation or possible outcome, then the bad thing I’m afraid of won’t happen. So, for me, worry is a form of trying to control the outcome. It also takes me completely outside of the present moment, which is where everything is happening. Isn’t that totally insane?? Insane or not, it’s true. I realized before the procedure, as I was worrying about all the possible things that could happen or go wrong or could be wrong that my hope is that by worrying about it, none of the bad stuff will come to fruition.

I’m ready to let go of that. It’s crippling, because there are an infinite number of things to worry about these days. So, I bow to Pema for being a fellow worrier and sharing her experience and wisdom in a way that I can understand, and I bow to the universe for supporting me in my intention to let go of control and live in the moment. Who would have thought openhearted clarity (my intention words for the year) would be so potent and life-changing?

Do you remember as kid when you were playing games, calling out, “Do over!!” I sure do. My brother was always cheating. Well, maybe not, but he was older and I was always crying for a do over…

I am loving my increased Yoga and Meditation practice this month for WoYoPracMo as well as working with my words of intention, openhearted clarity. As I would expect, I feel more buoyant and light in everything, which leads me back to my do-over day.

Yesterday morning, I needed to go get some bloodwork done for the upcoming medical procedure I’m having done. Erick and I decided to make it a family outing, taking Clara on her tricycle. Things were going great until, horror of horrors, I broke Clara’s treat at the cafe. Tears and whining ensued, which I always find particularly challenging to deal with when we are in public because I end up letting a whiny child dictate the rules because I so badly want her to STOP.

Erick started getting tense, i started getting tense, then we began to have a veiled argument about the location of the clinic where the blood was going to be taken and I started freaking out that I wasn’t going to make it before they closed. Good lord. After I got Clara calm and we were on our way to the clinic, Erick was still brooding when I called for a Do Over.

It was tough, but we finally managed to talk about what the heart of the matter was for both of us instead of staying caught in the irritation. Usually, unexpectedly, that’s all it takes to stop the reactive response. With my increased practice time and my focus on openhearted clarity, I can say I was able to cultivate more open communication and stop what could have become a bad day, in it’s tracks.

Internally, I took a deep breath, and was able to recognize what was happening: for me, many times, including yesterday, it’s expecting people or things to be different than they really are. I accepted that I was having unrealistic expectations and then, I let it go. I hit the internal reset button so I could really start over with both Erick and Clara.

The rest of the day was great. We took Clara to the park and Erick and I had a great discussion about things that are coming up. Clara bounced back and ended up having a wonderful day, too.

It’s so easy to get caught up in five or ten bad minutes and have it taint the rest of our day. What I’m learning is to let go of those bad minutes and move on to the next moment that is fresh and ready for my attention. And it is only when I am present in that new moment that I can call for a Do Over and make it stick.

Compassion, by it’s very nature, requires us to be mindful. In order to be compassionate, or, to bear the suffering of ourselves and others with the intention of alleviating that suffering, we must be alive to ourselves and the world around us…

Before Clara was born, Erick and I talked at length about how we wanted to raise our children. How we would set boundaries, what kind of discipline we would use. One of the guiding principles that we decided on was to choose three ideals to shape actions in our home. Those three principles are kindness, honesty, and respect. Instead of telling Clara, “No hitting!” We say, “It’s not respectful or kind to hit others.” That way, she doesn’t have to remember rules that might seem arbitrary to her, but instead has a framework for her choices and behavior. (Please note, I strive very hard for this. It often doesn’t happen this way, certainly not as much as I wish it did!)

Erick and I certainly model respect and honesty with each other and with Clara, but really, my kindness and compassion could use some work. Especially in high-stress times, I become impatient with both Erick and Clara and although I wouldn’t qualify myself as a meanie, I’m not always pleased with my behavior- and neither is my family.

But lucky for all of us, I have signed up for a year long course on living more compassionately. I found Laura’s site when I signed up for World Yoga Practice Month. Her story really struck a chord for me (you can read it here) and knew immediately I was going to participate.

So, whether it’s year of the pig or the monkey, I do not know, but I have declared this my personal Year of Compassion, and there are so many good reasons for me to do this!

First and foremost, having Erick and Clara in my life makes me want to be the best possible version of me I can be, and I’m pretty sure I have lots of lifetimes of learning left before I’m declared perfect! Second, this totally lines up with my happiness pyramid (see it here)! Third, I believe that in order to teach, it is essential to keep learning and last, this program, by the looks of it, encourages finding your own answers, which is completely in sync with my belief that we all possess our own answersif we pay attention.

If you are curious, head over to Laura’s website and check it out. Interested in signing up? Let’s start a group! Just want to get the newsletters? Right on! They are free… Just want to live vicariously through me? Stay tuned, the year of compassion is coming at you, right here, in 2008!

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