Everyday Yogini

I bought a set of these awesome reusable mesh produce bags for myself from Etsy’s AMK Designs, and you can betcha I will be purchasing these as gifts for folks at Christmas!Aren’t they great??

Is there any day that is “typical” when you have a child? As I have been thinking about Half Pint Pixie’s blog carnival, I have been up in the air on what to write. We are very into routines around here, but it seems they change quite often- at least lately. HPP also indicated that a day in my life might be a bit exotic, since we are in Rome. In relationship to mothering, I think our lives are quite normal, really. We have our daily routines, Clara has playdates, this summer, we’ve gone swimming- a lot- I might add, we have a zoo membership, she watches movies, we eat, etc. Our day as a family is not at all something like, “Oh, our daily picnic at the pantheon was rained out, bummer, I guess we’ll go to the Colosseum…” In fact, we haven’t even SEEN the pantheon. Living here is so weird.

From an American perspective, I think what is unusual and exotic about Clara’s days, is the internationality of it all. Her babysitter from Ghana, her nanny from Finland, her Italian nursery school, her soon-to-be British school, our Pakistani domestic. At least a few times a month, we have people in our home from different countries, different cultures. Our home is a sea of tranquil calm most of the time (which suits all of us) but then we have these interesting international gatherings that Clara sees and experiences and participates in.

Our life here is also punctuated by travel, but that isn’t so unusual either, is it? We just happen to be traveling in one of the most sought-after destinations in the world. In fact, next week, we will be taking a vacation to the northern part of Italy to stay in a kinderhotel. (More to come on that….)

There are certainly differences in how parenting plays out here when we are out and about (for instance, don’t even try to find a playground that’s decent- by American standards- in Rome), but, for the most part, my days resemble any other family’s day: getting up, making breakfast, being where we need to be in the morning, activities planned, friends met, sharing facilitated with said friends, meltdowns, craft-projects, teaching moments, snuggles, bath time, messes, cleaning up, etc. Our most important time as a family is dinner time, and we eat together most nights, unless Erick simply can’t make that happen.

My greatest, on-going, daily challenge with this parenting gig is being present and mindful to what is in front of me- especially when that is Clara. As a child and an adult, I remember craving my Mother’s full attention and never feeling like I had it. It was so frustrating and eventually, I just gave up. My relationship with my Mom is not very close, and I’m sad about that, but I hate being disappointed all the time, so now? Well, it just is what it is.

Lately, I sense this is the same thing that is happening with Clara and I, much to my horror. Her needs just feel so demanding and relentless that I shut down, try and escape from it, which makes her demands that much louder. As I’ve reflected on this, I know what I need to do- I need to lean into it, feel my edges, give in to her needs. Maybe just small increments of time, but still, give her what she wants most. My full, attention on who she is in this very moment.

So, a typical day here is not so much different than it would be if I were back in the United States- Clara is my greatest teacher and, with some luck and some grit, she will learn some things from me, too. Outside of routines and all the machinations of being a parent, it’s about raising a happy adult and, for me, building a lifetime relationship that will sustain all of us through the years. Right now, that means adding conscientious time to our days where I am all Clara’s. No matter how much my mind might resist, no matter how badly I want to wander off and do something else, it means I will stay. Right here, right now, with my beautiful 3 1/2 year old in all her glory.

And, without further ado, I am off to do exactly that.

“My private measure of success is daily. If this were to be the last day of my life would I be content with it? To live in a harmonious balance of commitments and pleasures is what I strive for.” -Jane Rule 

Here I am. Whew. It’s Saturday afternoon of the Solstice. Its been a busy week here and summer has officially arrived here in Rome. It’s hot and sticky and decidedly un-airconditioned in many, many places. The result? That heavy, tired, hot feeling that just sort of lands on skin like a blanket that needs to be washed off. The kind of heat that slows everything to a crawl…

Not that I’m complaining. I am happy. I am delighted to be working again. Delighted and filled with gratitude for the opportunity to feel productive and useful in an adult sort of way. I feel like a kid in a candy store- so many projects, so little time!! I haven’t felt this energized in I can’t remember how long!

All of that being said, I am feeling challenged (in a peaceful, pleased sort of way) to strike the proper balance. You know how it is. You add something new to your life (a new pet, a new baby, a new job, a new commitment) and there is a natural rearranging that must take place to achieve balance. I am seeking that. Honestly, I feel like I went from having almost nothing to do to having a lot of commitments in a very short period of time.

It occurs to me that searching out balance is, in many ways, like surfing. There is no stasis- we are always adjusting our stance to the circumstances when we are riding a wave, or we are riding our board out, resting, or (hopefully not too much) wiping out! Life, just like surfing, is never about standing still or achieving a perfect place of stillness. I find that comforting. There is never a perfect end point. Every day brings different circumstances, everything is always changing and fluxing and shifting.  Our job is to respond, gracefully, and stay up on the board, so to speak.

As you celebrate the long, warm days of summer, take a moment to reflect on your own measures of success, the balance of commitments and pleasures in your life- how they shift and change, how you respond day by day… appreciate what you do well, adjust as necessary. Happy Solstice!

According to my Mother, I did not want to come out of the womb. She was in labor with me for three days. Three days, Yoginis. Unheard of these days, for sure. Of course, in the end, the task was completed. I was born, but I emerged (again, according to my Mother) screaming. No need for a slap on the butt (is that even done anymore?) I was pissed off to have my warm cocoon taken away.

Fast forward to college, which is the first time I really have a recollection of feeling like there might be a pattern at work here… it took me a really. really. really. long time to finish college. In the end, one semester left, I almost took a full-time job and blew it all off. Again, in the end, with much nail biting and uncertainty whether there would actually be a diploma in the leather case when I “walked” the ceremony (let’s just say I had a rough go of it at the end), I graduated.

Not too many years after that, I went back to school to get some additional coursework in accounting so I could become a CPA. I finished the coursework while working full-time, which almost did me in, but then? Well, we all know about my unbelievable dragging of feet with putting the CPA exam behind me, don’t we (for those who don’t, it took me eight very long years)? Again, mission accomplished, but on a timetable that might be unimaginable to anyone else.

Before the CPA exam? There was Clara’s birth at home. Again, labor progressed nicely and then pushing? FIVE HOURS. Yes, I said FIVE. Obviously, I eventually pushed the little sweetie pie out, but boy, it was a long haul there at the end…

Anyone else noticing a little bit of a pattern here? These are just the things that stand out, I’m certain there are many, many more small examples of this pattern at work in my life. In fact, I recently realized that this also holds true emotionally…

As I’ve mentioned, I’m finally feeling happy again. Happy, people. Out of that vague, underwater feeling I’ve had since we left Colorado. Sure, I had moments of content, even moments of happy, but I feel like I’m back to my old self. As I reflect over the last year, I am puzzled and mystified. What was the big deal? I made this all much harder for myself than necessary. Truly I did.

My friends and neighbors in Colorado can tell you, I was gung-ho about the transition to Rome- until the transition started. Then it hit me hard and my mind went to work. Not to downplay the grief- it was real. Not to downplay being sick- it too, is very real. But the suffering? The word that comes to mind here is resistance. And beyond that? Fear of the unknown. And maybe even beyond that? Cosmic stubbornness. And truthfully, I knew that so much of this was something so deeply ingrained, I would tell Erick that intellectually I knew I was making it harder, dragging out the suffering, but I seemed powerless to stop it.

Just as I couldn’t have pushed Clara out any sooner or passed the CPA exam or anything. It just had a course to run. But is that really true? I don’t have a pithy, wise answer to this question. Our family will certainly live through more transitions. Ironically enough, I think I will be heartbroken (again) when we leave here, which is why I am so curious about this pattern that weaves together the different chapters of my life.

How we face our patterns defines us and makes us the person we are. I believe that, I really do. But can we get past them? Is it possible? Can we make friends with these seemingly karmic lessons and learn what we need to learn and move on?

I’ll let you know if I find out. You do the same for me, okay?

I love the word cultivate. Maybe because as a little girl, we would cultivate our garden every year: till the soil, sew the seeds, water the rows… as those of you who grow gardens know, you do the work you need to do and hope and pray that circumstance is on your side.

Just last week I joined an online Buddhist study group, Open Circle through Wildmind, one of my very favorite online (very practical, down-to-earth) Buddhist resources. The Open Circle group is studying the book,

Buddhism: Tools for Living Your Life

, which so far, is a fantastic book. I’m having to hold myself back from “reading ahead” of the assigned reading!

One of the first things that struck me about the book (besides the cover- which really appeals to me) was the use of the word cultivation. Cultivating the qualities that you wish for yourself, cultivating the life that you want to have- which includes responding skillfully to circumstances beyond your control.

I need this so badly. I want this so much.

To be frank, I have a love/hate relationship with Rome. I am having a difficult time reconciling myself with the things I dislike and, due to my terrible language skills, there is very little chance that I will ever feel “integrated” into the culture here. I often feel isolated, and I am frustrated with my dependence on my husband’s fluent Italian. I am acutely aware of my ongoing grief related to leaving “home” in Colorado: my friends, Clara’s friends, our home, our community. Intellectually I “get” that this is such an amazing opportunity, but my heart hasn’t gotten the memo. My heart wants to go home and get a double tall Americano in a to-go cup to carry around with me all morning while I chat with friends and Clara plays on the playground with her little friends.

Don’t get me wrong. On weekends, when we are busy exploring the city or we go out of the city (even better), I love being here. No country does countryside and small villages like Italy. I love being able to walk everywhere, the food is to die for. I love the density of people and the energy of the city. I adore living a block off of Villa Ada, one of Rome’s largest green spaces. I like entertaining people, I like getting to experience the intersection of different cultures through my husband’s position. There is a very interesting community of American folks here, so I can make friends. I love our gorgeous apartment with the tall, sunny windows. I see the good things, I do, I really, really do.

This is the thing. Erick’s job will, at least for the near-term, mean living a transient life. This means that circumstance dictates where we will live. We really have little control over this. The only thing I have control over is my response. The mind that I cultivate in reaction to this ever-changing landscape of homes, schools, jobs and cultures. It seems like precious little to be in charge of, but then again, it seems like everything. Cultivating my own heart and mind to be filled with openness and wonder, energy and curiosity, love and kindness- a heart big enough to love many different places and people and a mind spacious enough to accept impermanence. An ability to appreciate what is here right now, instead of clinging desperately to a place in the past that feels more like home that the present moment.

Because the irony is, when we finally go back to Colorado, I will miss things about Rome and all the other places that we will have lived. And Colorado will not be the same place, nor will we be the same people. It will be just like showing up in a new place all over, except some of the faces might be familiar. At least I hope so.

As Spring arrives in your corner of the world, it’s a natural time to think about cultivation. What habits are you strengthening through your actions and thoughts? Are you moving in the direction that you wish to be moving in? The beauty of thinking in terms of cultivation is that it implies that we can all change if we do the work. We can water the seeds, pull the weeds, and nuture the seedlings. This is a great gift- the gift of choice. I am honored to have choices. May we all cultivate our lives wisely…

If you are interested in Open Circle, registration is ongoing. As the group grows, it will split into multiple groups. The facilitator is a fellow Mom-Blogger, Shrijnana. She asks really terrific questions and is very engaged with the group. I feel so fortunate to have found this group at this time in my life.

Even after years of practicing Yoga, I am skilled at the art of ignoring my body. Which is evidenced by my shoulder injury recently while practicing. This is also evidenced by my recent and amazing binge of all things pizza and dessert, which has led me back into a health crisis. Seriously.

I had a follow-up endoscope on Friday, so the doctors could see how the opening between my bile duct and duodenum is healing up. Well, it’s not. It is still very inflammed and I’m still experiencing intermittent pain. To add to the love, I have an ulcer in my stomach. You see, my body can yell and scream and I will whistle and cover my ears (and keep drinking coffee with pastries).

Again, my dear body is working so hard to teach me how to best live fully. In order to actually be in this moment, I have to be willing to listen and respond to what I hear. It requires a level of honesty, surrender, and respect (for myself) that is unprecedented for me. The only thing that helps diminish the pain I experience is being extremely careful with what I put in my body (which I am decidedly opposed to). I am working with a nutritional counselor as well as listening closely to what my body is saying.

And it’s working. Now that I’ve been eating nothing but whole foods and no coffee for a week and a half, I feel a lot better. The tests don’t line up with that (obviously), but they will. I believe in my body’s ability to heal itself. Some days it’s hard to muster up enough love for myself to continue with this, but I have motivation outside of my own self, thank goodness: Erick and Clara. I have found myself over the last year, increasingly distracted by pain or alternatively, eating pastries and drinking lots of coffee. Of course there has been some Yoga thrown in, but my inner experience has been this crazy pendulum: pain —– comfort self with food ——— pain ——-comfort self with food. There hasn’t been an abundance of emotional energy for Clara or Erick.

So, for now, I am gluten, dairy, soy, and coffee free. By freeing myself from these yummy, delicious things, I am (relatively) free from pain. I am also learning to drop into the discomfort in my body instead of trying to wiggle away from it. I am learning to surrender and breathe and let the pain tell me it’s story. The irony is that the more I learn to stay with the discomfort, the lesser it becomes. The more I learn to stay with my body, the more I am able to stay with Clara and Erick. I feel more awake to my life than I have since we left Colorado.

May you be well. May you all be skilled in the art of listening to the lessons in your lives. May you find yourself awake and filled with boundless gratitude for your gifts.

“We rise to the occassion, and the occasion is this life, right now, just as it is. Practicing Yoga does not eliminate life’s challenges, and neither does it provide us with a convenient trap-door to escape from life’s distractions. Instead, Yoga gives us the skills to meet life head-on with dignity and poise.” -Donna Farhi

It’s raining here in Rome. Clara and I had an appointment for her to see the doctor about her gunky eyes. I don’t drive here (yet), and Clara was so excited to get on the bus for her adventure to the doctor. Rain boots on feet, umbrellas in hand, we set out.

There was running and splashing and all around hilarity until the bus arrived. Packed. Like a sardine can. Clara and I squeezed on and she found a bar to hold onto. Then, someone had the audacity to offer us a different spot, away from the door. This nice person had the audacity to touch Clara. The rest of the bus ride was spent with Clara crying hysterically that she didn’t like buses. Unfortunately for everyone, sweet, older Italian grandmas and grandpas kept coming up and stroking her, which would set off louder, more insistent wails of despair. I smiled and stroked her back and held her. Because it was clear to me, I wasn’t going to be able to stop it. I just had to go with it and let her do her thing. It felt like a pretty long bus ride, truth be told, with some people glaring, others offering (not so) helpful suggestions. It was, I think, 10 minutes.

Finally, we arrived at the Embassy and the tears stopped when I offered up a treat at the cafe. I am not above bribing my daughter with chocolate, Yoginis. Clara was pure happiness and sunshine in the cafe and for Dr. Rosa, bless her heart. The bus ride back she talked with a little old man the whole time and you could tell it made his day. That girl.

I am always extraordinarily grateful when these kinds of occassions don’t turn me into a wreck, which accomplishes nothing. Despite all the offers of ways to fix my daughter in this situation, I stuck with what I knew to be true and just rode it out. I did some belly breathing and in my mind, bathed her with loving-kindness.

I suspect we are coming to an end with these seemingly unprovoked tantrums. Why? Well, because I’m finally figuring out how to stay put and not react. This is usually the first sign that things are about to change again. A wise grandma told me once, “As soon as you have one phase figured out, it all changes again.” I have found that to be very, very true. And it is also what makes parenting such a profound spiritual experience and our children our greatest teachers.

Do you remember as kid when you were playing games, calling out, “Do over!!” I sure do. My brother was always cheating. Well, maybe not, but he was older and I was always crying for a do over…

I am loving my increased Yoga and Meditation practice this month for WoYoPracMo as well as working with my words of intention, openhearted clarity. As I would expect, I feel more buoyant and light in everything, which leads me back to my do-over day.

Yesterday morning, I needed to go get some bloodwork done for the upcoming medical procedure I’m having done. Erick and I decided to make it a family outing, taking Clara on her tricycle. Things were going great until, horror of horrors, I broke Clara’s treat at the cafe. Tears and whining ensued, which I always find particularly challenging to deal with when we are in public because I end up letting a whiny child dictate the rules because I so badly want her to STOP.

Erick started getting tense, i started getting tense, then we began to have a veiled argument about the location of the clinic where the blood was going to be taken and I started freaking out that I wasn’t going to make it before they closed. Good lord. After I got Clara calm and we were on our way to the clinic, Erick was still brooding when I called for a Do Over.

It was tough, but we finally managed to talk about what the heart of the matter was for both of us instead of staying caught in the irritation. Usually, unexpectedly, that’s all it takes to stop the reactive response. With my increased practice time and my focus on openhearted clarity, I can say I was able to cultivate more open communication and stop what could have become a bad day, in it’s tracks.

Internally, I took a deep breath, and was able to recognize what was happening: for me, many times, including yesterday, it’s expecting people or things to be different than they really are. I accepted that I was having unrealistic expectations and then, I let it go. I hit the internal reset button so I could really start over with both Erick and Clara.

The rest of the day was great. We took Clara to the park and Erick and I had a great discussion about things that are coming up. Clara bounced back and ended up having a wonderful day, too.

It’s so easy to get caught up in five or ten bad minutes and have it taint the rest of our day. What I’m learning is to let go of those bad minutes and move on to the next moment that is fresh and ready for my attention. And it is only when I am present in that new moment that I can call for a Do Over and make it stick.

Erick is sick. A little headache and a cough.

I am sicker. I have a stuffy nose and a little cough.

Clara is sickest. She has a croupy cough, a fever and bronchitis. This poor kid can’t catch a break I tell you.

Fortunately for everyone involved, Mommy (that’s me) is on day four of not eating sugar, so I am feeling particularly calm and patient and loving and unnaturally okay with my lack of sleep. I am very much here today. And it feels really good, sickness and all….

Today, I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes on mindfulness:

“Fundamentally mindfulness is a simple concept. Its power lies in its practice and its applications. Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally. This kind of attention nurtures greater awareness, clarity, and acceptance of present-moment reality. It wakes us up to the fact that our lives unfold only in moments. If we are not fully present for many of those moments, we may not only miss what is most valuable in our lives but also fail to realize the richness and the depth of our possibilities for growth, and transformation.”
— Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn. p.4

After reading your responses yesterday, I got to thinking about mindfulness with children. Well, my child in particular. I read Kelcey’s comment and thought, “Yes, that is what I am going to focus on as the holiday craziness starts…” But here is what happened in my MIND.

To be honest, playing with Clara is not one of my favorite things. I’m easily bored by drawing scribbles, chasing her, or even reading her books. So, when I think about bringing mindfulness to my time with Clara, my mind always goes to the ways in which I think I fail her. It’s as if I’m using the practice to highlight the weakness of my parenting. What I “should” be doing… (gritted teeth) “I’m going to sit down and be 100% in the moment while doing this thing that drives me nuts!”

Isn’t that terrible? Do you do this??

What if I didn’t do that? What if were to focus on and expand the time that I spend with Clara that is pure joy for both of us instead of trying to make tracing her hand for the 10 billionth time a mindful practice? Not that I stop doing the things I don’t like, but, when I’m “practicing” and being 100% in the moment, why not choose something that is really enjoyable, that I feel really good about? Won’t that, at the end of the day, be better for Clara, too?

This got me to thinking about what things I do well with Clara. The moments when I know we are grooving together and we are both having an excellent time. And as I reflect on it, we have lots of those moments. More than I would have imagined, much to my relief. For instance, when I walk Clara to school, it’s always at her pace. We stop and look at things, I let her jump in puddles, we talk about what’s happening on the street… it’s a really, really precious time for both of us. She has also started helping me wash the dishes after dinner which I really enjoy sharing with her- she gets to splash around, “help” Mommy, and I get to finish a task without having to tell her I’ll play with her later. I enjoy singing songs and dancing with her, and naturally, I love to practice Yoga with her. She is the best at making up cool new poses and I name them…

So, really, what I’m getting at here is a word of caution. When engaging in any practice, take the “should” out of the equation. Don’t use the practice to prove to yourself (if you are like me) what a lost cause you are. Use your practice to expand on the best of youself. To be present to the ways that you suprise and delight yourself and the people around you. Because really, don’t we all spend enough time focused on our faults?

Practice on….