Everyday Yogini

Is there any day that is “typical” when you have a child? As I have been thinking about Half Pint Pixie’s blog carnival, I have been up in the air on what to write. We are very into routines around here, but it seems they change quite often- at least lately. HPP also indicated that a day in my life might be a bit exotic, since we are in Rome. In relationship to mothering, I think our lives are quite normal, really. We have our daily routines, Clara has playdates, this summer, we’ve gone swimming- a lot- I might add, we have a zoo membership, she watches movies, we eat, etc. Our day as a family is not at all something like, “Oh, our daily picnic at the pantheon was rained out, bummer, I guess we’ll go to the Colosseum…” In fact, we haven’t even SEEN the pantheon. Living here is so weird.

From an American perspective, I think what is unusual and exotic about Clara’s days, is the internationality of it all. Her babysitter from Ghana, her nanny from Finland, her Italian nursery school, her soon-to-be British school, our Pakistani domestic. At least a few times a month, we have people in our home from different countries, different cultures. Our home is a sea of tranquil calm most of the time (which suits all of us) but then we have these interesting international gatherings that Clara sees and experiences and participates in.

Our life here is also punctuated by travel, but that isn’t so unusual either, is it? We just happen to be traveling in one of the most sought-after destinations in the world. In fact, next week, we will be taking a vacation to the northern part of Italy to stay in a kinderhotel. (More to come on that….)

There are certainly differences in how parenting plays out here when we are out and about (for instance, don’t even try to find a playground that’s decent- by American standards- in Rome), but, for the most part, my days resemble any other family’s day: getting up, making breakfast, being where we need to be in the morning, activities planned, friends met, sharing facilitated with said friends, meltdowns, craft-projects, teaching moments, snuggles, bath time, messes, cleaning up, etc. Our most important time as a family is dinner time, and we eat together most nights, unless Erick simply can’t make that happen.

My greatest, on-going, daily challenge with this parenting gig is being present and mindful to what is in front of me- especially when that is Clara. As a child and an adult, I remember craving my Mother’s full attention and never feeling like I had it. It was so frustrating and eventually, I just gave up. My relationship with my Mom is not very close, and I’m sad about that, but I hate being disappointed all the time, so now? Well, it just is what it is.

Lately, I sense this is the same thing that is happening with Clara and I, much to my horror. Her needs just feel so demanding and relentless that I shut down, try and escape from it, which makes her demands that much louder. As I’ve reflected on this, I know what I need to do- I need to lean into it, feel my edges, give in to her needs. Maybe just small increments of time, but still, give her what she wants most. My full, attention on who she is in this very moment.

So, a typical day here is not so much different than it would be if I were back in the United States- Clara is my greatest teacher and, with some luck and some grit, she will learn some things from me, too. Outside of routines and all the machinations of being a parent, it’s about raising a happy adult and, for me, building a lifetime relationship that will sustain all of us through the years. Right now, that means adding conscientious time to our days where I am all Clara’s. No matter how much my mind might resist, no matter how badly I want to wander off and do something else, it means I will stay. Right here, right now, with my beautiful 3 1/2 year old in all her glory.

And, without further ado, I am off to do exactly that.

According to my Mother, I did not want to come out of the womb. She was in labor with me for three days. Three days, Yoginis. Unheard of these days, for sure. Of course, in the end, the task was completed. I was born, but I emerged (again, according to my Mother) screaming. No need for a slap on the butt (is that even done anymore?) I was pissed off to have my warm cocoon taken away.

Fast forward to college, which is the first time I really have a recollection of feeling like there might be a pattern at work here… it took me a really. really. really. long time to finish college. In the end, one semester left, I almost took a full-time job and blew it all off. Again, in the end, with much nail biting and uncertainty whether there would actually be a diploma in the leather case when I “walked” the ceremony (let’s just say I had a rough go of it at the end), I graduated.

Not too many years after that, I went back to school to get some additional coursework in accounting so I could become a CPA. I finished the coursework while working full-time, which almost did me in, but then? Well, we all know about my unbelievable dragging of feet with putting the CPA exam behind me, don’t we (for those who don’t, it took me eight very long years)? Again, mission accomplished, but on a timetable that might be unimaginable to anyone else.

Before the CPA exam? There was Clara’s birth at home. Again, labor progressed nicely and then pushing? FIVE HOURS. Yes, I said FIVE. Obviously, I eventually pushed the little sweetie pie out, but boy, it was a long haul there at the end…

Anyone else noticing a little bit of a pattern here? These are just the things that stand out, I’m certain there are many, many more small examples of this pattern at work in my life. In fact, I recently realized that this also holds true emotionally…

As I’ve mentioned, I’m finally feeling happy again. Happy, people. Out of that vague, underwater feeling I’ve had since we left Colorado. Sure, I had moments of content, even moments of happy, but I feel like I’m back to my old self. As I reflect over the last year, I am puzzled and mystified. What was the big deal? I made this all much harder for myself than necessary. Truly I did.

My friends and neighbors in Colorado can tell you, I was gung-ho about the transition to Rome- until the transition started. Then it hit me hard and my mind went to work. Not to downplay the grief- it was real. Not to downplay being sick- it too, is very real. But the suffering? The word that comes to mind here is resistance. And beyond that? Fear of the unknown. And maybe even beyond that? Cosmic stubbornness. And truthfully, I knew that so much of this was something so deeply ingrained, I would tell Erick that intellectually I knew I was making it harder, dragging out the suffering, but I seemed powerless to stop it.

Just as I couldn’t have pushed Clara out any sooner or passed the CPA exam or anything. It just had a course to run. But is that really true? I don’t have a pithy, wise answer to this question. Our family will certainly live through more transitions. Ironically enough, I think I will be heartbroken (again) when we leave here, which is why I am so curious about this pattern that weaves together the different chapters of my life.

How we face our patterns defines us and makes us the person we are. I believe that, I really do. But can we get past them? Is it possible? Can we make friends with these seemingly karmic lessons and learn what we need to learn and move on?

I’ll let you know if I find out. You do the same for me, okay?

I love the word cultivate. Maybe because as a little girl, we would cultivate our garden every year: till the soil, sew the seeds, water the rows… as those of you who grow gardens know, you do the work you need to do and hope and pray that circumstance is on your side.

Just last week I joined an online Buddhist study group, Open Circle through Wildmind, one of my very favorite online (very practical, down-to-earth) Buddhist resources. The Open Circle group is studying the book,

Buddhism: Tools for Living Your Life

, which so far, is a fantastic book. I’m having to hold myself back from “reading ahead” of the assigned reading!

One of the first things that struck me about the book (besides the cover- which really appeals to me) was the use of the word cultivation. Cultivating the qualities that you wish for yourself, cultivating the life that you want to have- which includes responding skillfully to circumstances beyond your control.

I need this so badly. I want this so much.

To be frank, I have a love/hate relationship with Rome. I am having a difficult time reconciling myself with the things I dislike and, due to my terrible language skills, there is very little chance that I will ever feel “integrated” into the culture here. I often feel isolated, and I am frustrated with my dependence on my husband’s fluent Italian. I am acutely aware of my ongoing grief related to leaving “home” in Colorado: my friends, Clara’s friends, our home, our community. Intellectually I “get” that this is such an amazing opportunity, but my heart hasn’t gotten the memo. My heart wants to go home and get a double tall Americano in a to-go cup to carry around with me all morning while I chat with friends and Clara plays on the playground with her little friends.

Don’t get me wrong. On weekends, when we are busy exploring the city or we go out of the city (even better), I love being here. No country does countryside and small villages like Italy. I love being able to walk everywhere, the food is to die for. I love the density of people and the energy of the city. I adore living a block off of Villa Ada, one of Rome’s largest green spaces. I like entertaining people, I like getting to experience the intersection of different cultures through my husband’s position. There is a very interesting community of American folks here, so I can make friends. I love our gorgeous apartment with the tall, sunny windows. I see the good things, I do, I really, really do.

This is the thing. Erick’s job will, at least for the near-term, mean living a transient life. This means that circumstance dictates where we will live. We really have little control over this. The only thing I have control over is my response. The mind that I cultivate in reaction to this ever-changing landscape of homes, schools, jobs and cultures. It seems like precious little to be in charge of, but then again, it seems like everything. Cultivating my own heart and mind to be filled with openness and wonder, energy and curiosity, love and kindness- a heart big enough to love many different places and people and a mind spacious enough to accept impermanence. An ability to appreciate what is here right now, instead of clinging desperately to a place in the past that feels more like home that the present moment.

Because the irony is, when we finally go back to Colorado, I will miss things about Rome and all the other places that we will have lived. And Colorado will not be the same place, nor will we be the same people. It will be just like showing up in a new place all over, except some of the faces might be familiar. At least I hope so.

As Spring arrives in your corner of the world, it’s a natural time to think about cultivation. What habits are you strengthening through your actions and thoughts? Are you moving in the direction that you wish to be moving in? The beauty of thinking in terms of cultivation is that it implies that we can all change if we do the work. We can water the seeds, pull the weeds, and nuture the seedlings. This is a great gift- the gift of choice. I am honored to have choices. May we all cultivate our lives wisely…

If you are interested in Open Circle, registration is ongoing. As the group grows, it will split into multiple groups. The facilitator is a fellow Mom-Blogger, Shrijnana. She asks really terrific questions and is very engaged with the group. I feel so fortunate to have found this group at this time in my life.

Thank you all so much for your supportive, positive comments on my menus for this week. Both events are over and they went well. The St. Patrick’s Day menu was a bigger hit than last night, but both were well recieved.

I have to say, by Tuesday night (we went to a reception that night) I was completely wiped out. As we already had another dinner planned for Wednesday, it was necessary to just work with it and not get all cranky and bent out of shape about being overscheduled. Even though I had things I “needed” to do, I went to bed early on Tuesday. I noticed that I felt guilty going to bed- and I didn’t sleep well. Wednesday morning I was blurry and tired and had so. much. to. do.

At the last minute, I decided to simplify Wednesday’s menu so I wouldn’t have as much to do- we had rice instead of potatoes and fresh fruit for dessert instead of the crisp. It worked out famously and I got to take a nap before the dinner, which I desperately needed.

The theme of what I noticed was the undue pressure I put on myself to do EVERYTHING. And quite frankly, I simply cannot at this point in my life. From standing over the stove all day Monday and then standing around in high heels all night, I had a relapse of the tingling and numbness in my arm. When I push myself beyond my limits, my body- good friend- let’s me know that it’s too much. The silly thing is, I don’t *have* to do everything. I have full permission to relax and enjoy myself. Why don’t I?

This is such a fundamental question to Mothers everywhere. Maybe people everywhere. Why do we manufacture ways to be too-busy with little details instead of focusing our energy on our kids, our families, our well-being? Does it really matter if the croutons are made from homemade foccacia? Will it be noticeably better if the soups are made with homemade broth vs. store bought? I really don’t think so.

So next time, I will start out with the intent to do less and enjoy more. I will not worry at all about including Clara in the function- after all, it’s my house. I will not hesitate to use the resources that I have available to me to take the pressure off. I refuse to believe that my worth is somehow going to be measured by niggling details- I know Clara isn’t going to remember that I made the broth. She will most likely remember that I was distracted by cooking and not paying attention to her!

Are there things that you do that you don’t have to do? Self-manufactured pressure? Is there anything you can let go of in order to give yourself a little breathing space?

Here in Italy, it’s a long weekend for Easter. We are planning a visit to the beach and a picnic. I wish you all a wonderful, relaxing weekend!

A personal mission statement, that is. I am a long-time Stephen Covey believer. I wrote my first personal mission statement in college, when it probably read something like, “To balance time in the bar with studying in such a way that I don’t flunk out of college and disgrace myself.”

Well, that’s probably how it read before my first Yoga class, anyway.

In any case, a personal mission statement should communicate the essence, or guiding purpose, of who you are and what you are all about. As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been cleaning out files on my computer and I came across the mission statement I wrote for myself right before Clara was born and I thought I would share it with you all.

Mission Statement

To lead a spiritually fulfilling life centered in integrity, service to others, personal excellence, and continual growth/learning. Remembering always to strive for my highest mental, physical and spiritual health, in order to be present, clear, and awake to divinity- in myself, those whom I cherish most, and those who are just passing through. To that end, I will work toward turning my all too human weaknesses into strength, that I may be a shining example of a life well lived.

I consider a mission statement to be the ultimate intention. The intention that guides all other intentions. It’s powerful to have one, especially if it’s somewhere you see it and read it often (unlike me!). Do you have one? Plan to write one? If you do, I would love to hear about it!

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” -Buddha

Over the weekend, we went to Naples to do a bit of shopping at the Naval base. It’s a long drive and we got a late start. I assumed (which is the operative word here) that Clara would sleep in the car on the way down, which would make the afternoon of shopping bearable. We also planned to take some time to let her play on a real, live American-style playground, which we knew she would love, love, love.

Enter reality.

Clara didn’t sleep a wink in the car, although she was exhausted from getting up early. By the time we got to Naples, she was already on the verge of hysteria, while we had a good two to three hours of shopping to do. We unwisely chose to do some shopping before taking her to the playground. All was fine until my well-intentioned husband parked her in the electronics section in front of a rated R movie that she was fascinated by… I promptly removed her.

Can you guess what happened?

Clara was crying and screaming. She started kicking me and hitting me while I was trying to get her out of the store… but FIRST I had to locate Erick to tell him where we would be. He didn’t hear us until I was tapping his shoulder, even though Clara was literally yelling that she wanted Daddy at the top of her lungs. (Is this really possible?)

I have not been so angry in, oh, well, I actually don’t even remember a time since I’ve been married that I have been so furious. Furious is the exact description. I felt volcanic…

Clara and I went outside to sit on a bench. She screamed for twenty minutes, until Erick emerged from the store and offered to take her to the playground. I, however, was left feeling enraged at BOTH of them. But the worst part was, I knew even while my mind was blaming them for my anger that it was all about my expectations, not about Clara and Erick.

This month’s focus for A Year of Compassion is anger, so it was sort of ironic that this happened. I didn’t yell or swear or hit, but I was, I think, vibrating with anger. I wanted to have a fun day shopping for the American items we needed. I thought Clara would sleep, which always leaves her more open to situations that might not be super fun for her, but she didn’t. I had an idea that Erick and I would trade off focusing on Clara (which I hadn’t vocalized) so we could get our shopping done efficiently. That didn’t happen until Erick took her to the playground (thank you Erick). I always have an expectation that Clara will be a well-behaved little girl in public, which is more about me not wanting to be embarassed, I’m ashamed to admit.

So, you see how wiley and smart the Universe is, supporting me in my intention for 2008? Even as I was breathing through my anger, my touchstone words bubbled up. I knew I was in the middle of a lesson about one of the roots of my unhappiness.

Control. My need for it, my lack of it. Slowly, I will keep learning how to let go of my expectations and respond with compassion and ease in whatever way is needed in the moment. Next time, I hope to learn how I might transform the moment by vibrating with love instead of anger.

While I was in the hospital, I listened to one of my many audiobooks by Pema Chodron. What I like most about her is that she seems so normal and human, and is just completely inspiring to listen to and read. The ultimate Everyday Yogini, or Everyday Tibetan Buddhist, in this case.

The book I happened to be listening to was True Happiness. In fact, I think I’ve listened to this, oh, six or seven times over the last 3 or 4 months. It is so thought provoking and delightful to listen to. She is funny and gentle and wise. I highly recommend it. Or really, any of her books. She is amazing.

Truth be told, I was really worried before the procedure. Even hearing that it’s no big deal, yadda, yadda- they were putting me under and sticking god-knows-what down my throat to look in my biliary tract. That seems so foreign to me. I had such a feeling of not being in control, and, apparently, since I’ve set the intention to let go of my controlling ways this year, apparently the universe, or God, or whoever, is listening and sending lessons my way. Really, in my initial intention, I was just thinking in terms of controlling people (like my daughter and husband), but it seems the powers that be think I can give up some other forms of control, too.

Back to Pema. One thing she touches on in True Happiness is our habits and letting go of them. She mentions that she is a worrier, that is one of her big habits. And how when we indulge in our habits, we make them stronger, but when we can stop ourselves, we weaken them. Makes sense, yes? She also mentions her desire to want to be further away from her habitual responses next year- taking the long view. That really struck me. One day of worry might not seem like a big deal, but it all adds up. Next year, what do I want my inner landscape to look like? Do I want to be biting my lip and furrowing my brow even more than I do now?

For me, worry is linked to control. Somewhere along the line, I made a false connection. There is a deep-seated belief inside me that if I worry all the angles of a situation or possible outcome, then the bad thing I’m afraid of won’t happen. So, for me, worry is a form of trying to control the outcome. It also takes me completely outside of the present moment, which is where everything is happening. Isn’t that totally insane?? Insane or not, it’s true. I realized before the procedure, as I was worrying about all the possible things that could happen or go wrong or could be wrong that my hope is that by worrying about it, none of the bad stuff will come to fruition.

I’m ready to let go of that. It’s crippling, because there are an infinite number of things to worry about these days. So, I bow to Pema for being a fellow worrier and sharing her experience and wisdom in a way that I can understand, and I bow to the universe for supporting me in my intention to let go of control and live in the moment. Who would have thought openhearted clarity (my intention words for the year) would be so potent and life-changing?

Speaking of creating intention, I got this email today from Carrie and Danielle, which I learned about from my friend Melissa.

Crazy enough, these ladies sent out an email encouraging folks to pick two words to define their intention for the year! Is that not sort of weird? Anyway, being a sort-of wordy person, my intention for the year is really long and unwieldy. When I read Carrie and Danielle’s Friday Focus email, it was a V-8 moment, “Ahhh, pick one or two words that embody your intention for the year….”

I’ve been thinking about it all day. Walking around the city, getting my haircut, cooking dinner- I was trying to find the *perfect* two words. And I must have gone through 50 different combinations to find the words that just felt “right”. At the end of the day (literally) I settled on:

Openhearted Clarity

These two words will serve as a touchstone to remind me of my greatest aspirations for my actions in this coming year (and, I believe, help me in tight situations more than a paragraph!). It’s funny, because those of you who commented on my blog post relating to intention NATURALLY came up with one or two words… you are all so wise!

In many Yoga classes, teachers will ask students to create an intention for their practice that day. An intention of less stress, understanding, health, healing, peace of mind… whatever is needed, in the hope that through the practice of Yoga, the student might find the intended quality bubbling up through the breath, the movement, and the mindful attention of formal practice. By keeping an intention, or aspiration, active in the mind and present in the heart, things begin to change.

Most of my suffering is created special, just for me, by my mind. As I was preparing myself for A Year of Compassion, it became really, annoyingly, clear that a lot of reason there is a lack of harmony in my family is my, ahem, er, well… tendencies toward control. That might be putting it mildly. It appears that I believe that Erick should think and act exactly as I expect him to think and act. Especially when I am eating a lot of sugar, or not getting enough sleep, or when there are lots of stressful things happening, I like for Erick to mirror me. Exactly. And damn it. He never gets it right.

Now this, Yoginis, is a set up for pain.

This desire for Erick to be who I think he “should” be stems, I think, from fear and feeling off-balance. It might reflect my feeling of not being in my element. There are probably other things this desire to control is indicative of, but, no matter. The antidote is available, even if I don’t know all the reasons I want Erick to eat with his left hand instead of his right…

And it begins with an intention. My intention to know Erick and Clara as they are and not as I think they should be. My intention to develop a gentler and happier relationship with myself. My intention to soften, to open my heart, moment by moment, to what is in front of me, without the smog of fear clouding my vision. My intention allow clarity to guide my response.

Intention is not just for Yoga classes, intention can shape our lives. I challenge you as the New Year begins to choose one of your own favorite methods of creating suffering (we all have them) and decide how you want it to be different. Create an intention and write it down, post it where you can see it, read it often. Meditate on it when you are cooking dinner, breath into it when you are taking a shower, bow to it when you recognize you are suffering yet again. Laugh, and reconnect with your intention.

It doesn’t have to be difficult, nor does it require adding another bullet to your to-do list. In fact, everyday life, with it’s diaper changes, telephone repairmen, bad traffic and cranky family members is where all the good stuff happens when you are working with an intention. Don’t save it for the Yoga mat.

To be honest, getting to Rome wasn’t easy for me emotionally. I went from a really comfortable situation with a great support system, built-in volunteer opportunities, a community I cared a great deal about, lots of kids around, my own house, a large yard and playground in front of self-same house, with the Rocky mountains being a close neighbor, etc. It was a dream come true for me.

But, my husband hated the job he had there.

On the other hand, we saw him a lot. We ate dinner together 90% of the time. We did lots of fun stuff together outdoors. In my estimation, he had great work-life balance.

Except, again, he hated his job.

Then, this opportunity for Rome came along which meant two moves in quick succession and putting Clara into full-time daycare. It meant doing lots of things that I am not fundamentally good at, namely, being social, being tactful, and learning a new language. I was exhausted within a few months of getting to DC and we hadn’t even gotten to the goods yet (meaning Rome)! I was also seriously grieving having to leave behind Colorado.

So now we’re here and it’s fun and, just like any place, there are things I love and things I don’t love. But I’m still trying to figure out where I fit in the picture. Or really, how I want to fit in the picture. Hence, my need for a visual blueprint of what’s fundamental to my happiness… I am a person who needs reminders.

So, the pyramid: the fact that health an wellness is on the bottom of the pyramid does not indicate for me that I spend the majority of my time on myself, in fact, what it means is that without my health and at least some time for myself, eventually, it all falls apart. Our bodies, minds, and spirits only have so much savings we can withdraw.

What I love is that a lot of the stuff that keeps me healthy, I can do with Clara or Erick or friends or all of them! Cooking, eating, and exercise are three great things that work in all the areas of my pyramid. Some of my fondest memories in the first year or two of Clara’s life are of walking almost every morning with a friend and neighbor who also had kids. The kids would happily (most of the time) enjoy the scenery from the comfort of their joggers while we got to chat. It was fabulous! Also, the time spent with my Mommy group was, for me, essential to my health and well-being, but also felt like an indulgence.

The two things that I grapple with most right now are how do my writing and teaching fit into our lives (without taking over too much of my time)? And, how involved do I want to/need to be in my husband’s job to stay connected to him yet keep my sanity? How do I do these two things and also keep us all plugged in, since his job keeps him so busy now?

So this year, for me, on very important intention is to find our family balance again. Trying to figure out where we each fit into this new picture. This is a pretty abstract intention for the year, but it’s so important for us.

Some more concrete New Year intentions/goals that came to me from doing this were the following:

-Slowly, slowly I must let go of sugar (level 1 and 2). It doesn’t work for me and I’m just not the kind of person who can have one cookie. An sad and unfortunate truth. If you are the kind of person who is naturally moderate, I envy you. The luck! Why level 2 as well, you might ask? Well, because I’m intolerable to my husband when I’m eating sugar.

-I want to incorporate Clara into cooking meals more often. She is old enough now to start working with me in the kitchen and, since she is at school part of the day, that will be a great way for us to reconnect after school (level 1 and 2).

-I am going to take on some private clients (as I’ve mentioned). For now, just two, and see how this impacts the balance of everything (level 3). Although I need to be mindful of the time it takes, I will continue to blog and write and see where that leads, too.

-Travel! This is our opportunity! I have a list a mile long of places we need to visit while we are here… plus, that supports family time (level 2 and 4)! Win-Win!!

So, although it’s a pretty circuitous route to get to a few goals for the year, the point of creating the pyramid is that I want to spend the great majority of my time on the things that I will look back on fondly and with pride as I get older.

Boiled down to it’s essence, my happiness and fullfilment revolve around relationships, and being fully present with the people and experiences in my life. My husband is always telling me he thinks that I will look back at this time as one of the highlights of my life. He may be right. But I suspect it will be more for the experiences we share as a family (including the food, of course!), and the connections we make as we build a community here in Rome and less about the glamour of our position.

Be well, be happy, and be mindful into the holidays and beyond!