Everyday Yogini

Being a Mommy with not-so-much creative juice (ie; scrapbooking, memory books, etc.) I decided early on to write Clara a letter each year so when she is all grown up and I’ve forgotten everything, she will have a letter to read and know what she was like, what was happening in our lives, so on and so forth. This year has been so nutty that I haven’t yet gotten around to writing her letter and, in the interest of killing two birds with one stone, I thought I would go ahead and write it here for the world to enjoy.

Dear Clara,

It is difficult for me to believe your second birthday was spent in Colorado with all of our dear friends. What a celebration that was! We ordered you a huge ice cream cake from Josh and John’s ice cream and you wouldn’t take one single bite! Everyone else enjoyed a little extra on your behalf. At two, you were just beginning to speak- but I think I was the only one who could understand you.

Between two and three, you went from staying home full-time with me, to being in school full-time in Virginia, to being in school part-time here, in Rome, Italy. You went from living in the shadow of one of many “14-ers” in the Rockies (Pike’s Peak) to living in two very different, crowded cities. It makes my heart hurt (still) to think that your days of running out our front door to a place that is safe for you to explore without holding my hand has come to a close. I truly, truly hate that. I so wanted that for you, sweetie. And although you will not remember, I will remember in vivid detail how much you adored being outside. In your element, for sure.

Maybe that’s why I’m so late writing this letter, because I am still smarting from the losses and reeling from the profound changes that have necessarily altered the course of your childhood. I know less this year about how you made the strides in your development, because many of them were made in someone else’s care. The teachers at Children’s International were so wonderful with you and celebrated your unique, kinesthetic way of being in the world. I am truly grateful that we found that place for you!

After driving across the country, watching endless repeats of Fraggle Rock, Barney, and Angelina Ballerina, we arrived in Arlington. Living on the third floor of what I have always not-so-fondly referred to as “habitrails” (enormous, soul-less, apartment complexes) we didn’t even have a bedroom for you. Not that you minded. We are dedicated co-sleepers and, well, you were still nursing at that point, so it was not a problem. The whole apartment, really, was a shrine for your toys, although you didn’t play with many. You were generally worn out after school and would help me in the kitchen or watch a movie. This year you have definitely cultivated a strong love of the big screen and I often wonder if I will eventually wean you off. I try and limit your time watching movies to 2 hours, but I know that is still too much for you to be watching. But I digress. Arlington.

Your first trip to the ER was in Arlington. You fell at school and hit your head on a play table, putting a 3/4 inch gash right above your eye. You were strapped down while they glued the wound shut, but I don’t think they did a very good job. You will definitely have a scar for the rest of your days. Your second trip to the ER was also in Arlington, for a very nasty bug bite that started taking on the classic bulls-eye shape of a tick bite. Thank goodness it wasn’t!

Our time in Arlington is such a blur of driving (god, the traffic!), heat, mosquitos and for me, grief. Erick was so happy to finally be out of the job he hated so much in Colorado, which made my sadness hard for him to bear! Bear it we did, and we did some really fun things in Arlington. You loved Roosevelt Island, which was right down the street from our apartment. One day, you ran almost the entire circumfrence of the island with me! It was so much fun to run with you. We went to the Smithsonian museums- a lot. You always got a kick out of running around the museums and having your Daddy chase you on the Mall. At least a few times we went on bike rides- the bike paths in that area are just phenomenal! And then, near the end, we found the park to end all parks and most weekends were spent playing on a park in the Clarendon area. With a water feature and great Danish play equipment, we met lots of great people and other kids.

Then it was time to leave.

We are in Rome now, and you are in a local school. You refuse to speak Italian, but slowly, you are picking it up. You throw Italian words into your setences without even realizing it. You have also translated for me on a number of occassions when people ask me questions and I don’t understand. In the Fall, you will go to a British school with a great outdoor space. Unlike the Italians, the British believe in kids getting dirty and going outside every day. I am relieved that you will have that opportunity again very soon. I want you to feel comfortable with dirt under your fingernails again, I want you to be comfortable outdoors, so you are ready for our eventual return to a place where “outdoors” is more of a reality.

Don’t get me wrong… Rome is shaping up to be an amazing time in all of our lives. We have already visited some really special places and I enjoy traveling with you more each passing day. Orvieto, Naples, and Bracciano were all fun and beautiful places- we have many adventures to come. I am so grateful we will be here for three years. All of us have a chance to settle in and take a deep breath. My guess is your first memories will be of Italy. That is a wonderous thing, Clara.

Notable facts about you over the last year and now are…

*About a month after you turned three, you stopped nursing. Well, you still would if I let you, but my trip to the hospital dried my milk supply up.

*You are in the midst of potty training and doing a great job! I am so proud of you!

*You speak in full on sentences and you are so polite and well mannered. Not to say you don’t have your moments of being a bossy little three year old.

*Tantrums became a regular part of our lives this year. Age or circumstance, we will never know. I’m looking forward these tempestuous storms of toddlerhood fading away…

*You still love to sleep with Mommy and Daddy. Although you have a lovely bed and enjoy playing in it, on it, and around it- you only sleep in it about half the time. But, I am all too certain that your days of co-sleeping will fade away sooner than I might imagine.

*Still, you remain cautious in new situations. It takes you (painfully) long to accept a situation. Sometimes I forget and try to rush you. I am finding that as we settle into our routine, it is easier for you to be a bit more flexible. You certainly come by this trait honestly, and I try to let you work through it your own way. You truly aren’t shy, and I work hard to keep that label away from you.

*You are always telling me that you need patience. When I am cooking and you keep asking (and asking and asking again) for your food, you will more often than not answer your own question, “I need patience, Mommy.”

*You love to run, skip, hop, and play dress up. Your imagination blossomed this year, which is a delight to see. You are getting so good at playing ball in all it’s forms- you can almost dribble a ball!

*Your favorite book right now is Madeline!

*You know almost all your letters and you are a number wizard! You have started doing little fractions when we are cooking… it is so cool!

*You wear a size 4T and size 9 shoes. You still have not had a haircut yet and your teeth are a bit crooked, but it’s so sweet and cute.

*You love to give Mommy, Daddy, and your baby doll, Isa, kisses when we “hurt ourselves”. You hate band-aids, but you love to pretend to put them on yourself and us.

*One of the joys of my life is cooking with you. Sometimes it’s sort of a disaster, but it’s always fun. You are great at dumping, pouring and mixing. You are also a great helper with washing dishes and, consequently, the floor around our sink is always spotless. Or wet.

*You adore your Father. And he adores you. You guys have such fun together! He is your favorite companion for the park and the playground. He plays the best games. He is your top choice for bath time. He makes awesome submarine sounds. You are his favorite helper for projects…

*Your food choices have become pretty limited in the last year, so I’m grateful that you eat a varied diet at school. At home, you eat a mono-diet for months on end and then it changes and we don’t know what to feed you for a few weeks!! The constants in your diet at home are avocado, olive oil, fish, and bread. At least I know you are getting your healthy fats!

I’m certain there is probobly a whole novel of things I have missed or forgotten, which is the downfall of writing a letter once a year. As much as I believe I will remember EVERYTHING, I don’t. What you end up with mostly is a snapshot of who you are the day I write the letter and snippets of detail that have lodged themselves in my memory. With any luck, your Dad will remember more than I, so when you have questions as an adult, someone will know the answer!!

Through this year of transition and change, you have been tough. Tougher than I expected. I am proud of you. Insanely, fiercely proud of you and all that you are and all that you are to become. My deepest, sincerest wish is to be exactly the Mother you need at all times. Impossible, I know, but a Mommy can aspire! You are sweet, thoughtful, intelligent, strong, tenacious, flirtatious, funny, athletic, curious, helpful, polite, adventurous, and oh-so-beautiful. I am lucky to have you as my daughter. You have taught me much about myself and about how to best parent you. May I continue to listen and respond in ways that will help you grow into the woman you are meant to be.

All my love goes with you, my dear, sweet girl.

Mommy

A personal mission statement, that is. I am a long-time Stephen Covey believer. I wrote my first personal mission statement in college, when it probably read something like, “To balance time in the bar with studying in such a way that I don’t flunk out of college and disgrace myself.”

Well, that’s probably how it read before my first Yoga class, anyway.

In any case, a personal mission statement should communicate the essence, or guiding purpose, of who you are and what you are all about. As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been cleaning out files on my computer and I came across the mission statement I wrote for myself right before Clara was born and I thought I would share it with you all.

Mission Statement

To lead a spiritually fulfilling life centered in integrity, service to others, personal excellence, and continual growth/learning. Remembering always to strive for my highest mental, physical and spiritual health, in order to be present, clear, and awake to divinity- in myself, those whom I cherish most, and those who are just passing through. To that end, I will work toward turning my all too human weaknesses into strength, that I may be a shining example of a life well lived.

I consider a mission statement to be the ultimate intention. The intention that guides all other intentions. It’s powerful to have one, especially if it’s somewhere you see it and read it often (unlike me!). Do you have one? Plan to write one? If you do, I would love to hear about it!

Shannon over at The Cole Mine tagged me for this interesting meme. Seriously, this was funny, because sitting next to my computer I have not one, not two, not three, but FOUR books that I am reading concurrently. This also does not include the pile sitting next to my side of the bed (much to my husband’s chagrin!).

So here goes:

Pick up the nearest book of 123 pages or more (no cheating!)

The book sitting on top is Bringing Yoga to Life by Donna Farhi. After listing my favorite Yoga resources last week, I pulled this off the shelf to re-read it. Plus, I’m taking a tele-class series with her right now, so it feels like the right time to pick it up again.

The other books, just for fun are: The Artists Way by Julie Cameron, The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women by Gail McMeekin, and lastly, The Hip Chick’s Guide to Macrobiotics by Jessica Porter.

Find page 123

This page is about effort and surrender and a story from Donna’s personal experience…

Find the first five sentences

She is looking for a place to teach Yoga and nothing is coming up. She goes home, has a discussion with God, and decides to give it up.

Post the next three sentences

Clearly this was a sign that I should move on to something else. In complete resignation, I decided that I would give up all attempts to find a studio, and if the powers that be wanted me to teach, well, they could find me a place in which to do it. The next morning, the phone rang: “I hear you are looking for a place to teach…”.

Tag five people

I am not going to tag anyone for this meme. If you want to share, let me know. Leave a comment and tell me you have posted this meme!!

Thanks for tagging me Shannon! I love to talk about my book piles!

Have you ever noticed how when you get tense or angry, you might tighten your belly or clench your jaw, or your shoulders come up around your ears? These reactions are, at their essence, body memories- habitual ways that our bodies respond to certain stimulus. Especially, I think, when we don’t express our negative emotions, they can get stored and compound our responses in the here and now. (ie; have you ever overreacted to a situation? I believe this is often a result of stored body memory)

About seven years ago, I was taking a wonderful series of online meditation courses through Wildmind. One of the things that the teacher, Bodhipaksa, shared with me was related to how we hold our bodies. I was expressing to him all the stress I was under at work and he, to paraphrase, basically told me to drop my chin when sitting at the computer and feeling stressed.

Well this was nothing short of a miracle. First of all, it worked. I would drop my chin, my neck would lengthen and all of a sudden I wouldn’t be a stressed out mess. Somehow, the simple act of dropping my chin and lengthening my neck allowed me to step back and be more mindful of the choices I was making. I had this total *aha* moment, “This is how Yoga asanas change our lives.” (But it took a Buddhist monk to show me!)

Let me explain. We learn these habitual body responses that “match” up with a neurological pathway that prescribe to us how we are going to respond in any given situation: remember our tight belly or our clenched jaw? By moving our bodies in new ways through consistent asana practice, we give ourselves the opportunity to rewire our brain’s responses. If our belly doesn’t tighten automatically (or we loosen it as soon as it tightens up), all of a sudden, we have shifted our habitual experience just enough to allow for a few moments of space in which to change our mind.

A relaxed belly, a soft belly, a long neck… all of these ways of being in our body are associated with relaxation, spaciousness, and perspective. Just as shallow breathing can bring about a stress response, so too can long, deep, relaxed breathing reverse that stress response. By changing the way we hold our bodies, we give ourselves the opportunity to change our mind. Practicing Yoga, we open and lengthen our bodies and the breath over and over again. Doing this, we are able to get past the layers of body-habit.

As our bodies move and respond in new ways, new neurological pathways are carved in our brains- this is one of the ways that the simple act of practicing asana over a period of time begins to spill out into our daily life. Organically, we find ourselves accessing our own wisdom, being able to step back and choose, which translates into being present and mindful. We find we don’t have to respond in the way we always have- through making space in our bodies, we magically make space for new ways of thinking and responding! We are, fundamentally, transformed.

Is there a way in which you respond physically that you can experiment with changing? Lengthening the neck, relaxing the belly? Uncrossing the arms? Loosening the jaw? Pick one and work with it for a week and notice if it changes how you habitually react. If you try it, let me know how the experiment goes for you…

I am participating in a creativity circle online with Kimberly Wilson for the next eight weeks, and today, I am just brimming with excitement for this course and gratitude for life in general! The course focuses intently on the book, The Artist’s Way by Julie Cameron, so I’ve been writing my morning pages for about a week now and planning Artist Dates for myself.

For my date this week, I will be taking myself to Villa Borghese with my sketch pad for an hour of people watching and sketching. Although this might sound sort of humdrum, I haven’t pulled out my sketch pad since Clara was born, not to mention all my art supplies were in storage when we were living in Arlington. This is very exciting for me and I am looking forward to this time… I am no Picasso, but I so enjoy drawing and painting!

The following week, I am going to this place called Acqua Madre with a friend and her daughter. Technically, these are supposed to be solo outings, but really. This is definitely a pampering date with myself!

In the spirit of pampering and self-care, I chose to take a nap in savasana at the end of my Yoga practice today. A few weeks ago I was messing around with shoulder opening poses and injured my right shoulder. My neck and shoulder have been tight and painful ever since, so I’m not sleeping well. I took advantage of my naturally sleepiness and relaxation post-practice. It was lovely and I felt so refreshed when I woke up!

I have also decided to put a serious cap on computer time when Clara is home. Through my explorations with morning pages, I keep bumping up against my own guilt at how much time I spend on the computer versus engaging with Clara. So, for the time being, my Gatha stands. Now, of course I have ample time for the computer when Clara is in school, but tomorrow, I am interviewing for the position of editor/writer of the embassy newspaper. I am very, very excited about the prospect and look forward to hearing more about the job! Wish me luck, although this is one more thing that will require my attention!

Such a large part of living Yoga (or any spiritual practice) with a family and small children is striking a balance, and I suppose that’s what I am working towards as life here becomes busier. It really is a dynamic, never-ending process to attend to one’s own needs and also meet the needs of children, partners, deadlines, homework, etc. Being mindful and fully present to the moment at hand is the best way to achieve balance… because the present moment is the only place from which we can respond, with clarity and an open heart, to what is required of us.

I am not sure I can say enough about the tour Erick and I went on yesterday to the Jewish Ghetto. For over 300 years, the Jewish population of Rome was confined to a four block radius of the city- a part of the city ravaged by the floods of the Tevere, often. Our tour guide, Ron Doliner, a Jewish man living in Rome, hailing from Brooklyn, NY, was amazing! And I mean, AMAZING!

The stories that he told about the years of the Ghetto were just riveting. The most spectacular thing about the tour was that, this area is now such a vibrant, alive community! It was palpable as we meandered through the streets- children ran through the piazzas and the adults mingled and talked with animated happiness. The food smells wafting through the narrow streets were incredible and in all honesty I cannot wait to go back to that quartiere of the city and wander around on my own. I just loved it!

It would be impossible for me to tell you even a fraction of what Roy told us on that four hour tour. One of my favorite stories, though, I will recount here. A special fountain was built for the Jewish population- a gorgeous fountain that was completed by Bernini (the turtle fountain- a whole story unto itself). Right before the Nazi’s came rolling into the city, the Jewish population of the area snuck out in the middle of the night and dismantled the fountain, hiding pieces of it in different attics and basements around the neighborhood, knowing that the Nazi’s would claim it for themselves. After the Allied forces arrived, the same people snuck out (again in the middle of the night) to put it back together!

Every story was like this. A story of unbelievable tenacity, strength, and faith (with some chutzpa thrown in for good measure)! Roy Doliner, our guide, is on the verge of releasing a book called The Sistine Secrets: Michelangelo’s Forbidden Messages in the Heart of the Vatican that you can pre-order now. If his writing is anything like his spoken presentation, it will be a good read!

This outing was the first that Erick and I have had alone together, that wasn’t work related, since we left Colorado a year ago. It was really great to enjoy such a delightful day out with him! I *puffy heart* my husband!! If you would like to see a few photos from the ghetto, you can see them here.

It’s happened. Clara is using the big girl potty. Finally. Whew. The first time, she suffered a bit of stage fright, but then she caught right on and was delighted to be just like Mommy and Daddy! Taking her to school on Monday in her big-girl panties, I was so excited to share with her teachers that she was going to join the ranks of the potty trained kids.

Don’t you just know that didn’t happen? Me and my expectations…

Let me tell you something about my daughter. She absolutely will not bother using the potty if she is anywhere near a diaper or a pull-up. Nope. Won’t happen. Why should she? She can use the diaper, for heavens sake! I tried explaining this to the teachers at school. I also tried to explain that as soon as she sat on the potty once, she would be fine.

I took Clara to the potty area at her school and along came all the other teachers, talking a mile a minute. I told Clara we were going to practice and she freaked. Started crying for a diaper. Honestly? I was furious (um, hello? Ego? You’ve met your match). The teachers were looking at me like I was the biggest jerk on the planet, insisting that my daughter can go on the potty when *clearly* she can’t (in their eyes). Of course I wouldn’t want to potty with ten pairs of eyes on me either… but to know that she can do it, she just needs to get over that initial hurdle, like she did at home. Grrrrrr. Believe me when I tell you, I was doing some serious deep breathing.

In any case, she is doing so great (at home) in her big girl panties. No accidents, so proud of herself (and I’m so proud of her, too!). As for the school, I’ve let go. I believe eventually Clara and I will have a come to Jesus moment at a bathroom outside of our home- she will cry and refuse, then she’ll sit on the potty and go. All this fussing about toilets outside of our house will be over. Until that time, I am willing to accept that Clara is going to do just exactly what she has always done at school- wear a diaper. And I’m going to keep doing exactly what I’ve been doing all along- learning more and more about acceptance and equanimity from my very best spiritual teacher and beautiful, spirited, daughter, Clara.

_________________________

In other news, this weekend Erick and I are going on our first guided tour here in Rome. We will be visiting the Jewish Ghetto, a tour (and guide) I have heard terrific things about! I look forward to sharing some pictures with you next week. Also, next weekend, we will be doing yet another tour, that one of the Coliseum and the Roman Forum. It’s nice to feel settled enough that we can start enjoying the rich history of the city!

For both events, Clara will be enjoying some quality time with her wonderful babysitter…

Amy over at Crunchy Domestic Goddess wrote a post about a fabulous new community page over at Blogher relating to Body Image. Is there any woman out there that doesn’t need to take time to appreciate her body?? I certainly can’t say that I consciously honor my body enough…

(note- I don’t think I explained this very well at all!! The gals at Blogher are asking readers and bloggers to write letters to their bodies. I didn’t just make that idea up! Go check Crunchy Domestic Goddess for a great letter! If you write your own, leave me a comment so I can read it!)

Dearest body of mine,

I come to you in offering and gratitude for all the ways in which you support me in living the life I choose to lead. As a mother, yoga teacher, CPA, writer, wife, and avid exerciser, you have your work cut out for you! Chasing a toddler on too-little sleep, hunching over the computer for hours at a time, squinting at the screen (or a book), running on hard concrete, performing handstands when you were screaming at me… you work so hard on my behalf! Although I now lead a healthy lifestyle, designed to help you help me, it wasn’t always that way. I thank you for your ability to toss off the toxic habits that I employed for too many years.

My deepest apologies for ever looking at you with dismay or disgust, which has happened, I am ashamed to admit. Through everything, your devotion to my wellbeing has been constant, and I am guilty of taking that for granted. I appreciate the loud reminders of your amazing beauty and resiliance. That being said, I am sorry that you so often have yell and scream to get my attention. I often expect more from you than I give back.

In my heart of hearts, I know what you need to feel your best. In the coming days, months, and years, I will listen more closely and move in that direction. I cannot promise perfection, but I can promise progress. May we walk this path of discovery, together, for many years together. May I support you in the ways you so richly deserve. May I remember always, to honor you in my words and in my actions.

I bow deeply to your unceasing dedication. Thank you for everything, my dear body. Thank you.

Shannon at the Cole Mine posted this question earlier this week in regards to practice for beginners…

I have a question for you Yogini…In beginning yoga, how often do you recommend one practice? I am really wanting to get back into it again, but struggle to find the time. I want to take a class to learn to do the poses correctly (then maybe I can practice on my own at home) but really only have time for class once or twice a week. Any suggestions?

I am so glad that you are finding the time to take a class! Going to a class once or twice a week is a fabulous beginning and will give you a great basis for starting a home practice. After you come home from class, try to take a few minutes to jot down how you feel after your practice and also your favorite poses and key notes about those postures (this will help you develop your home practice).

As far as finding time at home, it’s hard. Just like anything else we choose to spend our time doing, we have to make time (especially when you have small children!). In this instance, though, it is easier than you might think. Once you have gone to even one class, you will have at least one or two asana (poses) that you remember and enjoy. Just do those. Whenever you have a moment, just drop into a pose, with all the attention you can bring to bear in the moment. Even better would be to choose a specific time each day that you will do your chosen asana. Do that everyday and now, you have a home practice! As time marches on, you will find more time on some days, and that will be a wonderful addition to your days!

If you have fifteen minutes, I have a simple sequence that you can download in Word stress-busting-sequence.doc. (I am working on technology to offer sequences on YouTube or by Mp3 files…) If you have an hour, there is a terrific site that you can go to for free Yoga classes that are offered daily (these are better if you are already familiar with the basic poses).

Let me know how it goes with your practice!

When Clara demands my attention,
I vow with all beings,
To see the world as she might,
And get off the computer… for now.