Everyday Yogini

You might remember that I’ve decided to pull Clara out of her Italian preschool. I really, really, really believe this is the right thing to do and will be of great benefit to her. We will have a chance to do some fun activities together and, hopefully, make some friends among the children that she will go to school with next year. I just know that this time is going to be one I look back on with great fondness, and I also think it is going to be an amazing opportunity to learn more about letting go.

I admit, I’m a little nervous about this change. I haven’t been home with Clara full-time, without help, since she was a little over one. I know, I know, cry me a river… But really, since starting school in Virginia, or maybe it is just her age, there are times when I just hit an impasse with Clara. I feel like I have no idea how to get through to her or help her with what she is experiencing. It is confounding. Especially for a control-freak like me.

The most challenging moment for me with Clara, well, the one that is sticking in my mind right now anyway, is the meltdown moment. Clara will work her way into these moods of being completely inconsolable for (what appears to be) no good reason. She wants me there, but she doesn’t want any comfort. But god forbid I walk away. It is enough to make a mama scream, really. I sit with her and bear witness to her sadness and frustration, but I feel so helpless in the face of her emotions. And, being apparently a bit ADD, I get bored with these tantrums that seem pointless.

And that is really just the beginning. Clara has become a picky eater. She refuses to even acknowledge the potty. She ignores people who speak to her in Italian. When meeting new people or going into new situations, she needs to observe and contemplate before joining in- for what seems like a long time. She is also turning into a bit of a dawdler.

I love my daugher, please don’t misunderstand. She is brilliant and focused and flirtatious and completely in her body in a way that is poetry in motion. She is curious about everything and loves to cook and play pretend. She is a contemplative creature, but her laugh, when you get one out of her, is a throaty, belly-deep, delight. She loves to sing and dance and play the harmonica.

Really, what I’m saying here, is that I don’t want to be in a constant struggle with Clara when she’s home. I need some strategy. The dawdling can bring me to tears, because I hate to be late. And even as I write this, I can see that most of this stuff is just in my head and not a problem for Clara- only me. Maybe I just have to get creative and work with her energy, not against it.

For all you Mama-Yogis out there, how have you gotten creative with your parenting challenges? How do you avoid power-struggles with your kids? How do you create connection instead of separation in the face of difficulties?

Today was a grand departure for me. I was gone all day long, running around. It was wonderful, but after dinner, I was wondering when I was going to have time to get on the mat.

And then it dawned on me.

Bath time.

There are lots benefits to this kind of practice. Shut the door, and it’s hot Yoga, toddler style. Ask your child to name the poses you are doing. (Clara came up with “bird wings flying” for Warrior II, she knows a lot of the others…) But best of all, no matter how short, interrupted, or wet it gets, it is still time on the mat and time with your babies. I left the bathroom a little damp, but warm and stretchy and open-minded.

Where can you take your practice today?

Kirsten from WoYoPracMo tagged me for a meme. Honestly, I feel like I just did a meme, so I thought I would answer these questions that YogaLaura posted to a comment on my birthday.

In the Past year:

What was your most embarrassing moment?

Arriving at a reception hosted by United Arab Emirates in a very low cut dress and realizing that United Arab Emirates is a Muslim country. This was a good lesson in knowing your audience…

What are you proudest of achieving?

Passing the CPA exam and getting licensed. Not that I’ll ever use it, but still.

What would you do differently with the benefit of hindsight?

Worry less. Way less. Like not at all…

What did you love about last year?

Starting this blog, getting clear about my aspirations, all the growth that comes out of changes, watching Clara handle change effortlessly (almost), seeing my husband reach a lifelong dream… there is so much I could put here, but these are the big ones.

In the Next year:

What do you want to say you accomplished next year on this day?

I would like to have finished and hopefully sold my book proposal. Ack. I’ve not said anything about that here for fear of jinxing myself…

What are you looking most forward to in the next year?

I’m looking forward to experiencing more of Rome. To making friends here. To feeling settled. To Clara being potty trained.

What goal of yours are you most tantalized by?

Writing the book for sure…

If you knew you only had the next year to live, what would you make sure to do? What is stopping you?

I would be doing exactly what I’m doing now. Wow. That’s pretty amazing…

So, I would like to hear from Greenstylemom, YogaLaura, and Gretchen. You can either use the above questions OR just write up six random facts about yourselves!!!

Have I mentioned that walking is a defensive sport here? Driving, too. There is some sort of order in the chaos that I have not discovered, but it can get scary out there. Honestly, I’ve been afraid to drive here and walking can get tedious, and the buses are in traffic, so it’s almost faster to walk. A motorino is an option, but it’s not really my style.

How about my bicycle?

Can you stand it? I just adore my bike!!

Anyway, Erick put my bicycle together this weekend and today, I took my maiden solo voyage into the streets of Rome. I felt a little like I was taking my life into my hands, but strangely enough, I felt safer being in the road than I often feel walking along side of it.

Zipping through the streets, following the motorinos through traffic, going the wrong way down one way streets, getting onto the sidewalks and off again. It was brilliant! And fast! And totally exciting! And, oddly enough, it was the first time that I felt totally a part of the pulsing city that we now call home. The only thing that made me stand out was the smile that I was wearing the whole time I was cruising the streets… oh, and maybe the white Giro helmet.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” -Buddha

Over the weekend, we went to Naples to do a bit of shopping at the Naval base. It’s a long drive and we got a late start. I assumed (which is the operative word here) that Clara would sleep in the car on the way down, which would make the afternoon of shopping bearable. We also planned to take some time to let her play on a real, live American-style playground, which we knew she would love, love, love.

Enter reality.

Clara didn’t sleep a wink in the car, although she was exhausted from getting up early. By the time we got to Naples, she was already on the verge of hysteria, while we had a good two to three hours of shopping to do. We unwisely chose to do some shopping before taking her to the playground. All was fine until my well-intentioned husband parked her in the electronics section in front of a rated R movie that she was fascinated by… I promptly removed her.

Can you guess what happened?

Clara was crying and screaming. She started kicking me and hitting me while I was trying to get her out of the store… but FIRST I had to locate Erick to tell him where we would be. He didn’t hear us until I was tapping his shoulder, even though Clara was literally yelling that she wanted Daddy at the top of her lungs. (Is this really possible?)

I have not been so angry in, oh, well, I actually don’t even remember a time since I’ve been married that I have been so furious. Furious is the exact description. I felt volcanic…

Clara and I went outside to sit on a bench. She screamed for twenty minutes, until Erick emerged from the store and offered to take her to the playground. I, however, was left feeling enraged at BOTH of them. But the worst part was, I knew even while my mind was blaming them for my anger that it was all about my expectations, not about Clara and Erick.

This month’s focus for A Year of Compassion is anger, so it was sort of ironic that this happened. I didn’t yell or swear or hit, but I was, I think, vibrating with anger. I wanted to have a fun day shopping for the American items we needed. I thought Clara would sleep, which always leaves her more open to situations that might not be super fun for her, but she didn’t. I had an idea that Erick and I would trade off focusing on Clara (which I hadn’t vocalized) so we could get our shopping done efficiently. That didn’t happen until Erick took her to the playground (thank you Erick). I always have an expectation that Clara will be a well-behaved little girl in public, which is more about me not wanting to be embarassed, I’m ashamed to admit.

So, you see how wiley and smart the Universe is, supporting me in my intention for 2008? Even as I was breathing through my anger, my touchstone words bubbled up. I knew I was in the middle of a lesson about one of the roots of my unhappiness.

Control. My need for it, my lack of it. Slowly, I will keep learning how to let go of my expectations and respond with compassion and ease in whatever way is needed in the moment. Next time, I hope to learn how I might transform the moment by vibrating with love instead of anger.

When anger is clouding my vision,
I vow with all beings
To acknowledge my inner control-freak,
And do what it takes to let go.

Clara has been attending her Italian preschool for about three months now. When we imagined our time in Italy, Clara was going to be bilingual and attend a local school with local kids, I would get better and better with my Italian, and eventually, we would have great Italian friendships that would last a lifetime.

We’ve only been here three months, but I have to tell you, I don’t believe any more that this will happen.

I have learned, and had confirmed by Italian-Americans, that Italian society is closed, thank you very much. Not to say that Italians are not friendly, because, in large part, they are. However, if you are not Italian, you are not going to be included in anything. Forget playdates, forget birthday parties, forget friendship. It’s not going to happen. Maybe in a small town. In a big city like Rome, really, forget about it.

Also, Italian public schools. I have been learning all about the system as I filled out applications for the local school for next year. Teachers do not take kindly to being asked questions about their methods. In Italy, the education of children is trusted entirely to the state. Questions from the parents are frowned upon. Don’t expect to be involved. I have also heard grumblings that the Italian system is very easy on kids, but I don’t have any idea what that means…

Even given all that, I would happily leave Clara in the Italian system, except for a few, tiny problems.

Like I said, Clara has been in her school for three months. Every morning when I drop her off, she runs to a corner to sit by herself. When I pick her up, she is always playing alone, not interacting. I’ve asked the teachers, in my limited Italian, if Clara interacts with the other kids. I recieved a pretty vague response, “Piano, piano…” and “…un poco.” How frustrating. I can’t communicate well enough with the teachers to really know what’s happening. Another problem. And the other parents? They won’t even say hello to me or Clara.

This sucks.

Okay, so Clara is a very independent kid and can easily entertain herself. But I want her to be in a school setting where she has every opportunity, easily, to interact and make friends. Friends she can also see outside of school. Friends whose parents I can befriend. People to share the experience of having a child with.

I want my daughter to thrive and it’s not happening. It’s not. Some people are insisting she just needs more time, but honestly? It’s getting worse. She was doing better at the beginning. She’s pulling into her own world even more. I want my daughter to be happy and I don’t believe she can do that in the Italian system. Nor can I, if that’s where she is.

So, it’s with some sadness and a lot of relief, that Erick and I are letting go of the idea that Clara is going to go native. We have found a small British school nearby that we are hopeful we can get a spot in for next year. We will be pulling her out of her current school for the remainder of the year. I’ve been researching classes and programs and I’ve found dance and swim and a few other Moms that I really like that have children.

I suppose I will never know if I jumped the gun. That is just the nature of parenting. You do the best you can with the information that’s presented to you and cross your fingers. There is lots of time for Clara to learn Italian and I suspect that without the pressure, Clara will start speaking naturally as time goes on. I know I will be more at ease and that, too, will inform Clara’s experience.

I am a big fan of gratitude as a practice, as you know if you’ve been reading for a while. One of my favorite teachers, Pema Chodron talks about this wonderful way to expand our hearts and our happiness through gratitude.

In her teachings, she suggests that instead of just being grateful for whatever we are grateful for in the moment, we go beyond our gratitude and imagine giving that thing we are so in love with away. We just imagine that people who need what we are enjoying so much are blessed with what we have as well…

Here is what this has looked like for me recently:

I am so grateful for feeling healthy and energetic. May Mothers of small children everywhere feel healthy and happy and fully present to their children….

I love the trees outside our windows with birds singing in the morning. May the people in war-torn countries and cities have small beauties like these in their lives….

I relish this fresh, delicious food. May all those who are hungry find satisfaction and delight in meals, over and over again….

Anytime I experience something that I enjoy, take comfort in, or that I am grateful for, I offer it to whoever I imagine might benefit from having what I have. I don’t do it all the time, but it is a wonderful way to develop generosity of spirit, to grow a spacious heart, all the while developing a deep appreciation for the goodness in life.

Try it out. This is such an easy practice to take into daily life. I find I can easily do this while cooking, shopping, bathing Clara, really, anytime. And it never fails to open my heart and connect me to the moment.

One of my favorite meditation practices is the Buddhist Metta (lovingkindness) meditation. The idea being that we extend a feeling of goodwill, happiness, love, contentment- really, whatever you want to call it- to ourselves and the world around us. It doesn’t have to be time consuming at all. 5-10 minutes usually is enough to bubble up some good feelings, a calm mind, and an open heart. (And, if you are someone who feels you ‘can’t meditation’ because your mind is too active, this is a great way to give your brain something to focus on!)

Beginning in a comfortable seated position, begin to bring the awareness to the breath. Not altering your natural breathing patterns in any way, but just watching the natural rising and falling of the breath.

Imagine yourself in your mind’s eye. (I like to think of myself holding me as I would Clara… but whatever way works for you is great)

Repeating the words, silently, but with your full attention, in regards to yourself:

May I be filled with loving kindness,
May I be well,
May I be peaceful and at ease,
May I be happy.

Repeating this to yourself a few times, on your own behalf. If you are feeling particularly crummy, or, if you find that you have a block (meaning no feeling for yourself comes up) you may just want to spend the entire time focusing on sending yourself loving kindness. Also, if the words don’t work for you, feel free to alter them to express your unique feeling of metta.

The next person to send loving kindness to is someone you love very much- I generally do both Erick and Clara in this category. Notice if you find it easier to generate a feeling of goodwill for someone other than yourself!

Next, would be someone you feel neutral about. The store clerk, an aquaintance,etc. Again, noticing how easy or difficult it is to offer love and compassion to this person.

Following the neutral person, choose a difficult person. Someone that you are upset with. I don’t recommend starting with someone that you cannot stand, but maybe someone you love that you are not getting along with. Don’t try and torture yourself with the practice!! Take time to note the ease with which you can offer this to a difficult person.

Last, send loving kindness to everyone that you have in this exercise and begin to project an ever-widening circle of loving kindness, beginning with your neighborhood, and then expanding outward to your city, your state, your country, and finally encompassing the whole world and all beings enhabiting the planet with your compassion, love, and peace.

Metta meditation creates an open-heart, softening, and compassion for ourselves and others. Try it and see for yourself. You won’t be sorry.

Lilalia, who I am getting to know through WoYoPracMo, is a lovely lady. Her art is spectacular and her insights make me smile.

Last week, she sent me the following question:

Who were the people that inspired you to become a teacher? When did you change from pupil to teacher?

I love this question, because it really gave me pause. It’s been a long time since I started practicing Yoga and a long time since I decided I was going to become a teacher (and I’ve had a baby to fry my memory completely)!

The fact is, the very first class that I took, I went home and taught my roommate everything I could remember about the class I had taken! I started buying books and delving in to postures and would teach it to anyone who would listen to me!

And although I loved my first Yoga teacher (and many of the subsequent ones), I was inspired primarily by the art of Yoga itself. By the way I felt after practice. I knew I would teach Yoga the first class I took, because it was a homecoming for me.

Interestingly enough, somewhere along the line, I decided that I didn’t know enough to be showing anyone anything, and clammed up. I decided I had to be properly certified to teach, so I could know everything (hi, perfectionism). But, the longer Yoga and I travel together, the more I humbly acknowledge that my student days will never be over. The day I decide I know everything is the day I should be required to stop teaching.

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I *puffy heart* your questions! If you have a burning question related to Yoga or life, contact me here.