I have these revelations periodically about food. Sometimes, food is working for me, and sometimes, the food is swinging me around like a sumo wrestler might. Like right now, for instance, I seem to be falling into the latter category.
To be upfront, I’m a stress eater.
So, we just moved to a different country, right? This is a little bit stressful. We are also being entertained a lot, with tons of yummy, super-fattening, creamy, delicious foods. And desserts? Don’t get me started. I mean, I’m in a new country, I deserve a dessert or two after every meal, right??
Last night we got home from an event with not-so-good food that I ate with gusto, just to top it all off with very yummy dessert(s). I felt terrible when I got home, really, just icky. My stomach hurt, I had a headache and I though to myself, “Why do I do this??”
Indeed, an excellent question. And one I’ve asked myself many times before.
Back when I began this blog, I started with some talk about yogic philosophy. I plan to finish up that discussion eventually, but other things, like moving across the ocean, seem to keep popping up. But anyway, as I asked myself this very important question last night, “WHY do I do this to myself?” the answer came in the form of an EPIPHANY. Not a new epiphany, but one worth repeating, nonetheless.
Overeating to the point of feeling terrible physically and mentally is an act of violence towards myself. There is also a quality of greed and dishonesty to taking so much and stuffing it in my mouth that it distracts me from the underlying stress. The greed is obvious, I am taking more than I physically need, right? It is dishonest because by eating so much that I feel self-loathing, I don’t have to feel the discomfort of the enormous changes I’m going through. An act of violence, you bet. My body doesn’t need this excess food, and I end up mentally flogging myself, and that often leads to more stress-eating. It’s vicious, and I would never, ever do such a thing to someone else. So, with this oh-so-common act, I move far, far away from my commitment to the yogic precepts.
But the antidote is so clear. The EPIPHANY, if you will. It often feels like an act of self-care to eat the food. It is comforting, in the moment. But the reality is, that for that moment of pleasure, come many more moments of discomfort and an inability to really engage with my life because of my mental gyrations around what I’ve done and how my body feels. The truly kind, honest and greedless thing to do, the antidote, is to walk away. To take only what I need. To be mindful of the outcome if I eat the extra dessert, to act on the knowledge I have of myself, and, just like I do with my daughter, kindly and compassionately set limits in my true best interests. To learn to be with the discomfort of the moment.
When I think about doing this, there is a moment of tension, and then it just feels so spacious and truly comforting. So, as I continue to move through all these changes, and the holidays, and the food, I am committed to bringing my Yoga practice to bear on my experience. To be in the moment, to fully engage with my life, instead of grappling with my issues around food. To act in my own best interest with kindness, generosity, and integrity.
But I’m sure this will include some dessert.
