My mother-in-law is not my favorite person.
When I think about being in her presence, it makes me physically ill.
She was a horrible mother.
She is really needy.
She is like a child – demanding and dramatic when she doesn’t get her way.
I hate to think of my daughter going anywhere near her.
It’s awful, really.
And, when my husband brings up the fact that it’s time to visit, I feel such resistance that it makes my stomach hurt and tears sting my eyes.
In fact, my jaw sets – tight – and I am no longer present with my daughter. I become a horrible mother, a difficult wife. I can barely breath -because I need for things to be my way – meaning, everyone agrees with me and we don’t go. I become dramatic and demanding, “Clara’s life will be ruined if we let your Mother near her!”
The bell rings, in the form of my mother-in-law.
Just like the meditation bell, at the beginning of practice, asking us to wake up to the present moment. Can you hear it’s echo? Showing me where I am still asleep. I turn into her, in that moment. I have no compassion. No tolerance. I am all judgement and need. And I know, in an instant.
How painful it is to be her.
Because I am just like her. I know, because I make extreme efforts to escape being near it. I want nothing to do with the parts of myself that are caught up in this kind of pain and suffering. I want to escape in the worst kind of way. I avoid it in myriad ways, denying it as part of my inner experience.
The bell echoes.
A tiny crack of compassion opens up in my heart. For myself, for my mother-in-law. We are all human. My mother-in-law has, as my daughter, would say, “Mistaked” many times in her life. So have I. I’ve had the ability to change my circumstances and make amends where perhaps she has not.
My heart melts open.
We will go see her, and I smile when I think about how joy-filled she will be to see Clara and her son. I cry a bit more, in gratitude – something important has shifted for me. An internal opening that will echo and ripple through many parts of my life.
In gratitude for the times I hear the bell ring…
Namasté, yoginis.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG. I have the same situation with my MIL. We must be experiencing some synchronicity right now because the same thing is happening here. I’m changing the story I tell myself about how terrible she is and trying to see her with compassion — not expecting her to act the way I think she should.
And you know what? This Thanksgiving is our best one yet.
Anna, isn’t that amazing?? Our stories are so powerful and we are so powerful in the way we choose to tell them…. xoxo
Thank you for sharing this intimate part of yourself. I find it to be true for myself as well! I’ve been told before that it is those people who push your buttons the most that prove to be our greatest teachers because they help us to look deeper into the resistance we hold around them. I have had to see myself in those people that irk me and when I do, I find I have more compassion for them. They are people struggling with their own spirituality and Self and most of these people don’t have a conscious practice to support them as we do with yoga and meditation. I try to be grateful for these teachers in my life.
Blessings along the path!!
OM OM OM
I had the same experience with my mother in law for 14 years. Then, about six months after my father in law died, I went to visit her by myself. No husband. No children. I was there anyway for a meeting and felt “obligated”. I should add here that my mother-in-law lives in Europe and doesn’t speak a single word of English. Of course, the visit was wonderful. I had a great time. WE had a great time. We talked continuously – me with my vocabulary of 500 words and no grammar skills at all – her in her very incomprehensible obscure southwestern dialect. We sat in the kitchen and talked and talked and talked for 5 days.
Of course, 9 months later I went back on holiday with my family and it was miserable again. She was a nightmare. But that visit on my own taught me a really important lesson: that I actually only knew a very small part of my mother in law – the part that she presents to her son, a part laden with like 50 years of history with him, 14 years of marriage to me and bad feelings and assumptions all piling up one upon another over time. Take that away, and she suddenly became a little old lady infinitely grateful that I took the time to seek her out on my own. I actually had a more powerful yoga practice over those 5 days than I’ve ever had before…like I was able to meditate without thinking about ANYTHING else (which never happens!). And I think it was because I unexpectedly found myself there with a heart completely open. Anyway, I just wanted to share this experience.
So eloquently put! I recognise this within my own relationship to my mother, obviously I think we can relate it to all persons we ‘have a problem with’ – the uncomfortable mirror!